The Vicious Cycle Of Dating
In creating a life we want, there are always bumps on the road along the way. There is rejection, turmoil and the feeling that we lack the skill and confidence to really succeed with women. Have you ever noticed that when we beat up on ourselves and feel badly about our dating situation this sense of dooms tends to stick around, much like a vicious circle that spins out of control? Each and every time we beat up on ourselves, doubt ourselves, or let our fear control us when we want to initiate at any level with women, we enter a vicious circle. This circle is like a black hole that easily sucks us in and leaves us stuck spinning in a circle, with very little levity to get out.
This week we want to explore the 8 points on the vicious circle:
1. We start with a problem Problems, problems, problems. We all think we have problems from women. The guy in a relationship has a problem with his girlfriend. The guy who hasn't been on a date or had a sex in two years has a problem. The guy who feels he can't talk to women feels he has a problem and so does the college student who doesn't have the courage to talk to the woman in his psychology class.
Let's say, for instance, that we noticed a woman while we were on the subway, but didn't have the guts to talk to her. What usually happens is that we start kicking ourselves, feeling like a wimp for not going for it, etc.
2. We become insecure. Now that we've decided we have some "real" problems with women, it starts to mess with our minds. We are off of our game and tend to be hesitant to move forward. We get nervous, insecure and full of doubt. So if we feel like a wimp for not talking to the woman on the subway, we then think that perhaps we really don't have what it takes to be a seducer anyway. Do we? Can we even do anything? Maybe we should just give up.
3. We try to figure it out. To cover up feeling insecure and to battle against the doubt we come to the conclusion that there's got to be a way to figure out this situation and improve it. This is certainly the logical approach, but once again it's another trap. Why is it a trap you wonder? It's a trap because we think that we can figure out our dating problem to overcome some fundamental flaw within ourselves.
So if we beat up on ourselves for not talking to the woman on the subway, and we begin to doubt ourselves, we then think we can figure out why she didn't like us and how we probably did something wrong in our seduction. The problem with trying to figure out everything is that it always points to us still thinking that there is a relationship between us doing something and the woman not doing what we want. When we attempt to figure out why women don't like us or are not more receptive to our seduction moves, we never interpret the situation to mean that her response is not personal. Seduction 101, dating is a numbers game: women's response is rarely personal.
4. We want to know what to do and search harder to know what the answer is Moving right along. We were trying to figure out why women do not like us. Since we can't crack the code, we just fixate on more and more possible reasons why she doesn't like us. You're surely noticed that you can always come up with more and more reasons why women do not like you and why you're not more successful with women. We also tend to feel worse and worse about ourselves because we become increasingly aware in our imagination that there are some men out there that are master seducers and they know everything and how to seduce any women, but we are stupid morons who will never understand or be able to figure out the insane world of dating and relationships.
It's a trap because the question we're asking ourselves about how to get out of the vicious circle looks at the problem from the standpoint that we are fundamentally flawed and implies some sense of belief that we really do have a problem and we really are lacking in something.
Mostly when we come up with solutions we think that we need more of something, less of something, or a totally different change entirely. So we fail to initiate with the woman on the subway, we then feel stupid and lack in confidence and doubt ourselves. We now decide that if we had more money, lived in another city, dressed differently, or learned a special seduction line, and then we could be a success. The solutions we come up with dig us deeper into a pit, without any real solutions or ways out of this trap.
5. We try harder or give up and go back to just focusing on Stage One: The Problem Getting out of this trap is not working. Even the added information we have about our lack of skill isn't working. So now what do we do? Of course, we commit ourselves to working harder and to spending more time working to overcome this problem. Working hard is the solution to everything, right?
This solution works in getting ahead in our work lives, in doing better in school, in weight lifting, and in learning tangible skills, but it sure doesn't work with women. In dealing with women the harder you try, the harder it is for them to relate to you. It's like a salesman trying harder and harder to sell you something. The added intensity that a person brings to working harder comes off as an uncomfortable intensity in human interactions and again doesn't bring us any closer to a solution or a pathway out of the vicious circle.
Sadly, the other option many men come up with is to simply give up at this stage. They feel too ashamed, too embarrassed, too helpless or just lack the passion to move forward. So the go back to Stage One: The Problem. The problem with giving up is that it usually means we are completely knocked out of the game for months. We again beat up on ourselves and run a movie in our minds over and over about how much we suck and how we'll never get what we want.
6. We disapprove of ourselves and beat ourselves up more The personal hell continues. Working harder did not work either. So now we end up beating up on ourselves even more. What is wrong with us? Nothing works and what else can we do?
One of the problems we encounter at this stage is that rather than looking at specific situations in our life where we were not successful, we tend to look at our problems as global issues with our essence. So instead of looking at the situation where we initiated contact with a woman at a bar and she did not respond, we think that we can never approach women and ever have success. When we look at specific situations and specific rejections we can come up with a tangible game plan, instead we focus more on our failures and keep the vicious circle in play.
7. We still hold onto the problem What's the next step? We keep ourselves feeling stuck and we hold onto our problems tighter and tighter. We keep thinking that: a. We suck and we will never have success with women b. Our current situation sucks and that if we could learn something or if we were fundamentally different, then we would be successful.
In other words, we end up feeling worse about ourselves and completely stuck in this rut.
8. We repeat this over and over Sadly we do this over and over and over again.
Assignment for next week:
Examine in your own life the way you beat up on yourself and hold you're your own dating problems. Write down a few key areas of your dating life that feel stuck in this vicious circle and some of the futile solutions you've come up with to overcome these problems.
"Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes." -Mahatma Gandhi
Best of luck !
Ron Louis and David Copeland
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