Do I Have A Chance With Him?
23 Jan 2002
Question and Answer with relationship expert Dr Dennis
Hi,
Four years ago I met a man in the strangest way possible - while
driving home from vacation! He pulled up next to me and just looked
at me! He handed me a CD through the window. It was a local
boy-band, and when I looked at the picture - he was one of the band
members! I finally turned off and he continued driving ahead.
On the CD cover was an address, so I took a chance and wrote to
him. Shortly after this, I got a call from him and we talked for a
long time. He wanted to meet, and I agreed. He came by to pick me up
a couple of days later and, because he didn't want to be interrupted
by fans, we drove 50 miles to a restaurant way out of town.
Since I was in town only for a while, I continued to write when I
went home. He never wrote back, so one day I got angry and wrote him
a nasty 10-page letter. I didn't hear from him for a year, and then
one day he called! I was in shock! He asked me when I was returning
to his city, and I was actually planning to be there in 3 days. When
I arrived, we began seeing each other, but never alone - it was
always with the other members of his group, friends, fans, etc. I
tried to get him to go out by ourselves, but he kept saying that he
just didn't have the time.
During this, I discovered his email password and began reading
his email - even after I got back home. He kept getting mail from
girls that went to his concerts that had only one thing on their
minds - sex. He stopped returning my emails and I lost touch with
him for another year. After awhile, he dropped out of the music
business and began working in Foreign Relations. At the same time,
he a number of dating sights (I knew because of his email!) I signed
up for the same services, and began talking to him.
After awhile of talking to him anonymously, I told him who I was.
He asked me if I was married yet, and I told him the truth - no.
Before my confession, he was writing to me everyday, after this, he
stopped writing again, except very infrequently. In one of his
messages, he told me that I knew him better than anyone else - like
I was his sister!
Being his sister is not really what I had in mind, but after all
these years of back and forth, I'd really like to be with him and
try to build something. I told him about reading his email and that
I knew all that he had done, and he didn't even get mad!
We continue to correspond, but he's told me some things I didn't
know before like that he is divorced. I've asked him if we can get
together, but he doesn't respond to any of this. On the other hand,
he has told me a great deal about his personal life and seemed to
open up to me. Do you think I have a chance with him? Either way, I
just want him to know that I care for him and don't want anything
bad for him at all.
Hello!
Let me try to answer what I understand your questions to be:
Does he care about you?
When a man cares about a woman, he tries to use as much of his
creativity as possible to show it. Of course this includes spending
time with her, sending her notes, email, etc., to let her know that
he is thinking of her, calling, etc. Frankly, I don't see much of
this from your description. He may care about you, but I doubt that
he loves you.
Regarding what you can do to show him your intention is not to
hurt, and that you care:
You could continue to do what you are already doing, but frankly,
why? Are you hoping for a future relationship with him? It doesn't
sound like that's his goal to me. I seems that you'd be much better
off just moving on.
I believe the bottom line is whether you want this kind of
up/down relationship with someone that isn't really committed to
you. Are you willing to invest your emotional well being in
something as unorganized and uninvolved as all this? I don't
recommend it. You could spend years of your life only to wind up
with no more than you have right now.
I think you have another issue here too - trust. Why did you
start reading his personal email in the first place? That is wrong,
wrong, wrong! You don't have the right to go through his personal
things - even his email - anymore than he does. You might see it as
innocent - just trying to find out what he's thinking, but it is an
invasion of privacy.
Good luck, much love...
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