Trying to be Helpful but Getting Cold Shoulders

I’m usually a pretty lonely guy, but I finally met a girl who is perfect. She’s a lot younger than me, beautiful, single, and works in my office building (not for our company). We used to meet up a lot in the shared break room, and she told me about how her job is being eliminated, and how she’s looking for a new job. I figured helping her find a new job would get me in with her, but the more contacts I make for her, and introductions I set up, the colder she is getting! I thought women liked it when men were their knights in shining armor, but this is backfiring! What happened ?

This problem reminds us of two sayings. First, it reminds us of the old adage, “No good deed goes unpunished.” Second, it reminds us of a quote from guitarist, Robert Fripp: “Helpful people are a nuisance.” Obviously, your “good deeds” are a nuisance to this woman, and she’s punishing you for them. Why would your good deeds be punished? How are you being a nuisance, rather than a seducer? There are several possible explanations:

Sometimes people unconsciously want or need to stay “stuck” for a while. They say they want movement, but for whatever reason, it’s important for them to keep things the way they are. “Helping” only shows the inconsistency between what they say they want and what they really want (that is, to stay “stuck”), and pisses them off. Perhaps this woman wants to be unemployed for a while, or needs to have a certain kind of struggle experience, or feels bad about herself if she doesn’t find the job herself, rather than having it handed to her. In this case, your “good deeds” would simply be irritating to her.
She may not be able to keep things in balance. People often reject what is given to them if they feel like they can’t give something back in return. If this woman feels like she owes you, that can create an imbalance that might be driving her kind of nuts. If she feels like she can’t give something back to you (or doesn’t want to give what you obviously want), she will reject you just to get herself out of that dilemma.
She might feel manipulated. She may simply be pissed, because she thinks you are only giving to her in order to get into her pants. She may feel an expectation to put out sexually, and be angry with you about that. Once again, if you hadn’t done a “good deed” in the first place, this wouldn’t have happened between you.
You may be resenting her for not appreciating and taking advantage of your “helpfulness,” and that might be driving her away. Do you find yourself asking her questions like, “So, did you follow up on that great lead I got for you? Why not? When are you going to?” Are you getting irritated that she’s not thanking you enough? If you are doing either of these things, she will want to get away from you as fast as she can.

If you are trying to seduce a woman, you are better off not trying to “help” her at the same time–it’s much too likely that you will end up driving her away, instead. Simply be seductive and fun. Leave helping her with her problems to someone else.

Fortunately, it turns out there are warning signs for when you are doing irritating “good deeds”:

If you think that this person can’t make it through their problem without your help, your “good deeds” will be irritating.
If you feel angry helping, or if you feel like they are not appreciating you, your “good deeds” will be irritating.
If you would be disappointed by this person getting he help you want to provide from someone else, your “good deeds” will be irritating.

The only way we know to help someone without causing trouble is when you do the helping actions because they are fun, or because those helping actions are reward enough, in and of themselves. That way, if she doesn’t appreciate your help, or reciprocate, it won’t matter to you.

Stop trying to help this woman right away, and pretend you never did try to “help” in the past. Don’t talk about her job prospects. Flirt with her, and seduce her the way we teach you to at our site.

Therapist Bert Hellenger says, “The world is full of people who can’t wait to throw the torch of good deeds into the dry woodpile of the world.” Keep out of trouble by not trying to “help” women as you seduce them. It’ll make life much easier for you both.

Best of luck !