Dating / Relationship Question and Answer

13 April 2001

Hello Dr:

My name is Sarah. I hope you will help me out with my

I love a guy and he also loves me. The problem is, he committed
to a girl before we met and for that reason he is reluctant to
be with me. He keeps on telling me everything just happened at
the wrong time. He tells me that I would lose respect for him if
he just left this women for me, and that it was just
circumstance that made him make a decision like that with her.
They are not lovers as such, but now he is committed to her.

He really loves me and keeps on telling so. I love him too, so we
decided to remain as good friends, but each time we speak, we
have all those emotions start coming out and the fact that we
can never be together hurts us a lot. I am trying to get over it
by not talking to him very often, but he doesnt want that. I
dont know what to do, I am very upset. I found my better half in
him and I know I will never have him. Could you please suggest a
better way out?

Hello Sarah!

It sounds like this man really has you where he wants you. He’s
convinced you to “hang on” just in case his other relationship
doesn’t work out! I seriously doubt that he believes you will
“lose respect” for him if he breaks off with the other woman.
Ask yourself, if he were to break it off, would you? I don’t
think so.

On the other hand, what kind of respect must he have for you?
Sometimes we spend so much time listening to other’s words that
we can’t see their actions. Sarah, believe me, his actions are
so much more important than what he says. If you don’t mind
being the “third wheel” in this love triangle, then just let
things be the way they are. If you aren’t willing to take this
“backseat” position, then here’s what you need to do.

First, become scarce – very scarce. Don’t return his phone calls
and don’t call him. Find everything and anything else to do.
When you do finally talk with him make it short and to the
point. Tell him that, unless he is willing to leave the other
woman and make good on his claims of loving you, you won’t see
him anymore. He will probably go back to telling you how much he
loves you, and that he just can’t break it off with her. Don’t
take this – be firm. If he isn’t willing to break off with this
other women, hes just saying that he really loves her more than
you. In either case, he will find new respect for you.

Especially if you and he run around in the same circles, have
your friends help set you up on a few dates. You’d be surprised
how your “book value” is raised by being on the arm of another
man. If, after all of this, he still can’t see you for what you
are, move on. By this time you’ve already established a few new
contacts and can get back into getting over him.

Do you risk losing him permanently over this? Yes you do, but then,
you’ve never really had him in the first place. Remember there
really are hundreds if not thousands of men that will love you
for who and what you are. By investing heavily in one that you
don’t yet own, you are missing the possibility of finding love
with someone even better. Don’t be afraid to be alone for a short
while, life has a funny way of filling a vacuum !