Dating / Relationship Question and Answer

6 Dec 2001

Help Me Please Mine!


I have been with my fianc?e for about 2 years now and our love
life has diminished. I care about nothing but pleasing her in bed. I
want to know every fantasy (no matter how exotic), she has. I’ve
tried talking to her about trying new things like using toys or
lingerie, but she has no interest in any of these.

A few weeks ago I took her to an adult store for her first time
and let her look around. I hinted a few things out that she might
enjoy but it was useless. She was ready to leave immediately. I love
her to death and want to be with her for eternity, but I want our
love life to get better.

Lately she has been trying to make love more often to me than
usual, but she always wants it her way, (missionary).  I have
tried ordering lovemaking videos to watch one time and she watched
and that was that. I can’t even get her to look at nice softcore
porn. Also, she loves for me to go down on her. I’ll go down on her
for hours at a time until my lips are soar, and I cannot get her to
go down on me. It’s like the joke around here. She refuses. I’ve
tried everything even not mentioning it for 3-4 months but still

Could you please help?


Hello Tony!

This sounds like a case of “selfish
lover” syndrome. Interestingly, it is more often men that do

By this I mean, she wants it when she wants it,
how she wants it – or nothing. She doesn’t sound likes she’s
interested in pleasing you in bed at all. Does she even bother to
ask you if what she’s doing is working for you?

As you’re probably already aware, women’s sexual response is much
more complicated than men’s. Further, her sex drive can vacillate
all over the place – sometimes she’s hot and other times she’s just
not interested.

Many times, women’s sex drive is
influenced by the relationship itself. If the relationship is good,
and she feels loved, the sex is good. If the relationship isn’t what
she wants (or hopes for), the sex can suffer. Of course, I don’t
know enough about your relationship to say that this is the case,
but it is a possibility.

Another thing that can cause
sexual problems is outside relationships. I get many letters from
guys where the sex has dried-up, or has just become boring only to
find out she’s actually seeing someone “on the side” and focusing
her sexual energy there instead.

A final possibility is
a chemical or emotional one. Many women get involved with
relationships and gain weight, or just let themselves go. If she
doesn’t feel good about herself, she will tend to focus on things
like, “I wonder if he thinks I’m fat”, or “What if he just wants me
for sex, but doesn’t love me?”, etc. Or, perhaps she’s got some
other things on her mind that she hasn’t talked to you

Again, I don’t know the particulars of your
relationship, but it sounds like you don’t know all of it either.
I’d strongly recommend that you sit down, turn off the TV and have a
long, heart-to-heart discussion. During this talk you want to
express to her that you’re dissatisfied with your sex life, and to
find out how she feels about it too. There must be some common
ground you can reach. If you can’t find it, you may have to either
move on, or find it elsewhere.

The real key here is to
have that talk, and really get to the heart of the problem. Don’t
make assumptions – make discoveries.

Good luck, much