Dating / Relationship Question and Answer

14 Nov 2001

Have Confidence – Fake it Until You Make It!

Hey, it’s me again.

There is one thing I kind of struggle with, and that is

Everyone knows they are attracted to confidence, but what exactly
is confidence?  How do you show you have confidence?

Thank you

Hi “Me Again”!

You’re absolutely right about confidence – it is the #1 thing
that women report as finding attractive in men. In fact, I do a lot
of interviews around the country. Every time there is a women host,
or one working with the host, I always ask her this: “What is the
single thing you find most attractive in the men you meet?” They
don’t say, “money”, “butts”, “eyes”, “cars”, or anything else most
guys think. They always respond with “confidence”.

Confidence is an interesting thing. It’s hard to fake having
money if you don’t have it. It’s hard to fake having a great body.
It’s EASY to fake having confidence! Why? Because confidence is
really just two things:

1) Posture – both physical and mental; and,
2) Presence – your affect on people in the room.

Both of these can be faked very, very easily. This is because
people have a hard time telling the difference between what is real
and what is an act.

Let’s take an example from the world of acting. Actors talk about
“breathing life into a character”, but for most of them, this is a
bunch of hooey. Most actors learn that all you really have to do is
just “walk the walk” and “talk the talk” of the person bang
portrayed. It is the rare individual that can spot the difference
between going through the motions and actually becoming the

Confidence is like this too. If you simply adopt the body
language, and have a bright, engaging personality – even if only for
a little while, you are perceived as having confidence! Of course,
the more you do this, the better at it you become, and the more
confidence you gain, becoming even better at it, getting more
confidence to get even better yet…. etc.

This is a common rule of humankind. The problem is that most of
us use it to our detriment rather than our benefit! We are scared,
so we tend to “act” differently than we really are; we avert our
eyes when we walk into a room, we act nervously when we meet someone
new. Guess what – this is actually practicing to fake a lack of
confidence! Then, by faking this, we get better at it. Then, we lose
confidence in other situations, thereby practicing that body
language, and losing even more confidence, etc.

So, how to you actually show confidence – even when you don’t
have it. Again, take a clue from acting: first, you imagine a
situation where you’ve felt completely confident – any situation
will do. You can then boost this by imagine a hero of yours doing
the same thing. For example, how would James Bond act in the same

Second, simply adopt that posture and presence! Become that
character – if only for an hour or so in the situation where you
lack confidence. This isn’t hard to do if you have a reasonably good
imagination! Further, by practicing this, you’re going to get better
and better at it – and earn more confidence at the same time.

The trick with confidence is to “fake it, until you make it.”

Good luck, much love…