Dating / Relationship Question and Answer
26 Nov 2001
Everybody Has A Past
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now and he is a
wonderful man, and he plays Bass in a band at this club. In the
beginning his ex-wife and her 2 kids use to go there to bother him.
Last weekend even his ex-mother in law and his ex’s best friend
showed up! I know he wants nothing to do with them, but he walked
over and gave them all a hug. That really hurt!
Later, they walked over to our table and told him that his
daughter is getting married and that he should be there. He doesn’t
speak up to tell them to leave us alone and that he wants nothing to
do with them anymore. Those weren’t even his kids to begin with.
Well, we ended up in a huge argument that night. He always tells
me that it doesn’t matter and that he will never go back to them,
and I know that, but I don’t understand why won’t he tell them he
doesn’t want bothered anymore. And why does he still hug them and
treat them like friends? I feel so uncomfortable going there
anymore, but I love to dance and I love to go and support him and
I don’t know what to do anymore. This has
been dragging on for too long without him saying anything to them. I
kept telling him that they are NOT going to leave us alone unless he
stops associating with them. I don’t want to start trouble, but I’m
tempted to say something to them myself, but I thought he would
stick up for them and not me.
Confused and Frusterated!!
Hello “C & F”!
Oh no! Not another bass player! (I’m also a bass player – and
we’re the WORST!!! – just kidding!)
Everybody has a past – you, me and your boyfriend. There is
almost nothing you can about that. Actually, the fact that he’s
friends with his ex girlfriend’s mother, friends, etc., should be a
GOOD thing to you!
As you already know, when a band plays a club, the club owner is
counting the number of bodies in attendance. This is because bodies
= sales; and let’s face it; he doesn’t hire the band to promote the
arts! Thus, having your boyfriend’s ex, her family and friends is
actually good for the band, and therefore, your boyfriend.
I fully understand how you feel about his friendliness toward
them, and they may be coming: 1) to support the band; and 2) to get
your goat; both of which they have accomplished. However, your
boyfriend has made certain promises to you, and it sounds like he is
sticking to those promises.
Thus, you may just have to come to grips with the fact that he
has had relationships in the past (just like you), and these people
are part of this life (just like you).
Here’s another idea taken directly from an old middle-eastern
quote: “Draw your friends close, and your enemies closer.” What this
means to you is, why not get to know his ex’s mother, her friends,
and even her! At least this way, they’ll get to know you, and
perhaps even respect you. Yes, I know it’s much easier to be catty,
but you’ll gain so much more – in their eyes, and your boyfriend’s,
all while being able to deal with things “from the inside”.
Believe me, this isn’t easy, but it just starts with an
introduction. The next time he plays and any of them show up, just
walk up, and say hello. Introduce yourself if they don’t know who
you are, and explain that you just wanted to get to know them as a
part of your boyfriend’s past. Then, go pick up your boyfriend’s jaw
from the floor.
Good luck, much love…