Getting Over Social Phobia

 

Question and Answer with relationship expert Dr Dennis

Dr.:

 

I don’t normally comment on sites, but I need to say that your
tips on dating, and relationships is the best I’ve seen so far. It
sounds like a good combination of Psychology and common sense.

 

For years I thought my difficulty with women was just intense
nervousness, so I would just avoid the situation, (you can imagine
the results: ZERO!). I was diagnosed with social phobia about 2
years ago. Within the last year I’ve been going out to acclimate
myself socially (i.e. concerts, clubs, etc.). I really like music!
I’ve been using your tips to at least start to try to date, but I
don’t seem to be having much luck. I’ve been told I look way too
serious when out socially. Any advice would be great. I’m also in
recovery, so a few drinks to “loosen up” are out of the
question.

 

Thanks!

 

Hello!

Thanks for the kind words – you know all you
can do is try, and you’re never quite sure if you’re reaching anyone
until someone says so!

You’d be surprised how common
your problem really is! Let’s face it, nobody wants to get shot
down, and to some degree, we all have some amount of “social
phobia”. The good news is that you CAN get through all of this! If
your problem is organic, there are some new drugs on the market that
can really help.

However, it sounds like you’ve got
just an extreme case. So, let’s look at how to deal with
this:

First, recognize that dealing with any issue
isn’t an over-night process. This will take some time. You probably
didn’t get here in a single day, and you’re not going to get out of
it in a single day either. So, plan some time to work on this issue,
set some goals, establish milestones and work to meet them. Here are
the steps you want to take:

1) Get educated!
This is probably the most important step. And, fortunately, it’s the
first. What will education do for you? It gives you confidence. Have
you ever given a public presentation or speech? If you know the
subject well, you present well. If you don’t, all hell can break
loose!

You’ve taken the first steps here by studying
the Internet. Have you also looked at my site? (www.remingtonpublications.com)
It is full of free information that will also help you along here.
In addition, I strongly recommend that you pick up a copy of “Being
a Man in a Woman’s World”. I actually go into this very subject in
the book as well as give you some exercises to get your plan worked
out – the next step.

2) Get a plan together.
Do you know the difference between goals and dreams? A time limit. That’s
all! You “dream” of being confident in social situations and meeting
great women. By establishing a working plan with time limits to
achieve the elements of the plan, you’ve actually set goals. Setting
goals creates magic in your mind – the point of the next
step:

3) Begin to program your mind for success
By programming your mind, you are actually giving it the tools to get
past this phobia. Unless you have an organic problem (highly
unlikely!), you’ve actually been using this step all along – to
fail! Believe me, you’re not alone – many men do this. They run
“movies” in their minds of failing. Like imagining walking up to a
beautiful woman and having her humiliate them. Or, thinking about
what they want and actually feeling anxiety.

These
examples are probably exactly what you are doing. In fact, MANY MEN
DO THIS! Your mind is keen on these types of images combined with
emotions. That’s exactly the mechanism it uses to program itself
internally! If you’re doing this anyway, why not give it the RIGHT
messages?

“The industry” calls this “guided
visualization” and here’s an article that discusses how to do this:
http://www.remingtonpublications.com/confidence_through_self-hypnosis.htm

You need to continue to practice this over at least 3-4 weeks. It is a
critical step. The interesting thing is that your subconscious mind
(not knowing the difference between what is real, and what is
imagined with clarity) begins to program itself for the outcomes you
imagine!

4) Take small steps – achieve small successes
first As you work through the mind-programming exercises, you
also need to give yourself small successes that continue to grow.
Here’s how: start with a goal and break it down into very small
steps. For example, you eventually want to get to the point where
you can easily ask a woman out and have a great date. But, that’s
too big a chunk to start with.

So, first begin by simply looking at yourself in the mirror. Imagine what you look like
to others. Don’t qualify how you look, just “see” yourself. Look
right into your eyes. This is going to be uncomfortable at first,
but don’t worry – it will get easier as you do it a few times. Next,
learn to stand straight, shoulders back, head up and look at
yourself that way. Practice this and try to think about it when
you’re out walking around. Next, you want to add a soft smile. You
may need to practice this for a while, as it often is natural when
you first start out. This “mirror exercise” should take about a week
if you do it twice every day.

Now, you’re ready to move on. During this step, you want to look at people. Just look at them
– even just for a split second. Don’t worry about making eye contact
yet. Just look at them. Spend about a week doing this until it feels
comfortable.

Next, extend this up and actually make eye
contact with them. No doubt you’ve been doing this already, but you
avert your eyes as soon as the look at you. This time, make it last
just a split second longer.

Next, combine everything so far – standing tall, head square, looking at people, and making eye
contact. This might seem scary right now, but consider that it looks
very confident – exactly where you want to go!

The next step is to add a natural smile when someone catches your eye. You
might want to do this only with women as it may send the wrong
signal in some parts of the world!

Next, you’re actually going to say “hello” or “good afternoon” to people. Note
that some of them will avert their eyes from you (like you used
to!), some will actually grunt, and a few will say hello back to
you. Don’t worry about their reactions – it isn’t important. What IS
important is you practicing this.

5) Turn these into bigger successes
If you’ve been doing the previous exercises,
you should be well on your way to the larger successes. Just like
before, take small steps. You want to start by going to places that
you were uncomfortable in the past. Such as clubs, concerts, etc.
Your goal here isn’t to pick up a woman – yet. It’s just to talk to
a few people.

Use the tools you’ve been practicing and
begin to make eye contact, smile at women, and say “hello”. You
might want to add something like “Great club, huh?” or “I’ve head
this band before – great music!” Don’t push too hard, but see if
anyone responds to you, (some will by the way!) That’s your new goal
– and exactly what you need to do to start meeting women, getting
numbers, etc., etc.

6) Make success a habit
Forget the failures. Focus on the successes. When you meet some pretty
woman, say “hello” and she say’s “hello” back – reward yourself by
feeling good about it. That is your goal! It’s ok to feel good about
yourself and by letting yourself – you’re actually ingraining the
habit of success. This is a critical step and should be added at
every milestone.

7) Review and adjust your plan
As you get successes, note what happened, what you did, where you were,
etc. You might even want to keep a log or journal of this
information. It is your own transformation log. You can also throw
in new ideas that you come up with on your own, or that you get from
articles and books that you read (remember step
#1).

When you find something that works, add it to your
plan. Don’t change your goals however. If you’ve done the work up
front, your goals should be rock-solid. Your plans however may
change regularly as you gather new information – and new
successes.

8) NEVER GIVE UP!
You’re going to have success and failures. That just the way it works. But remember – it
doesn’t matter! All these people you make contact with are mealy
experiments, and “class work”. You’re training yourself. They are
just “props” in all of this – do don’t worry about their reactions
other than to note them. You want to adjust your plan and your
approaches to something more effective for YOU. Find what works, and
don’t give up.

Get to it ol’ buddy. Believe me YOU CAN
DO THIS! Keep working on it, and let me know how your progress is
coming.

Good luck, much love…