Many men have a version of the ideal woman they could take home to mom — and another fantasy woman they’d like to take home to bed. Which role do you want to play? Get clear about this because each game has a different set of rules. Ironically, the game plan for success in one area can be a disaster in the other. To make matters more complicated, men want you to play one role perfectly at night (in private) and another (publicly) by the light of day. (If you think this is confusing to us, you can imagine how they feel.)

Lovers may come and go, but friends last forever. Even if you are just looking for a little romantic or passionate fun and games, you will probably feel better about your Cyber-Lover if it grows out of a friendship. Remember, even face-less, anonymous cyber-love has emotional consequences. Feelings can be hurt. Make sure you are playing with a gentle-man who has a basic respect for your feelings, your boundaries, and your privacy.

Allow this process to happen gradually. Even if you know where you want to go — go slow! If you rush through the courtship stages, not only do you cheat yourself of this most delicious part of the dance, but it may be very difficult to re-create the sense of romance once you have gone too far. It is better to go slow then to get in too deep, too fast. Going all the way on your first or second date may cause your cyber-affair to crash and burn.

No matter what they may say to the contrary, most men like to be in control. They say they like women to be sexually aggressive — but not too aggressive. They say they want you to initiate — but then they want to feel in charge. Go figure! Every man is unique in his control ratio. So here’s the deal; you are going to have to learn and experiment to find out how much and how often your cyber-man wants you to initiate, lead or escalate the stages of cyber-seduction. Some men like to be in total control, some men like you to be in total control (that way they don’t have to feel guilty or responsible for their actions). Some men like to be in control some of the time, and it varies with their mood and the stage of the seduction you are in. For example, they may want to lead in the flirting, and have you take over when it gets hot and heavy, or vice versa. Experiment; try both roles and see which one he responds to the most.

Ask for what you want romantically and sexually. If you don’t ask, you may not get it. If you do ask, you might get it. Those are good enough odds in my book. Here is your chance to not be shy! Even if you can’t do this in real life, use this as an opportunity to stretch your comfort zones and loosen your inhibitions. Let yourself go! But don’t do anything you don’t want to do! You have to be able to respect yourself in the morning.

Eroticism and Pornography are as different as night and day. The goal of pornography is a release of sexual energy or climax. Eroticism is all about the enlivening or awakening of the senses. It’s goal is stimulation or arousal of the energy. Eroticism and pornography each have their own language, style and mood. Remembering how different they are, decide which mode you want to be in at any given moment. Consider the significance of these two approaches:

Eroticism: I am imagining how it feels to have you peel away my dress, leaving me naked and trembling before you — aching for your touch.

Graphic: Tear off my dress! Now! I am wet with longing for your tongue.

Your choice of words sets the tone and the mood. The choice is yours. This is just one of the ways that you can remain in control of the experience.

Most men want you to paint pictures, to show them what is going on. They need to have a visual fix, which is why they often ask what are you wearing. Many women , on the other hand, want to be seduced with words and descriptions of sensations. Tell a woman I’m sending you roses, and she’ll probably feel all tingly inside. To get a similar rise from a man you’d have to describe something you are doing, something he can see, I am running my hand down your hard chest. Some men like all three senses (sight, sound, touch) to be involved, and in a particular order. First they may want you to tantalize their eyes, then please their ears, then delight their sense of touch. Here’s an example of one simple action (opening a robe), enticing each of these senses:

Visual Sensation: ….I open my red-lace robe, exposing one tight hard nipple — for just a moment… then I take your hand showing you the way….

Sound Sensation: …Slowly I let my satin robe slip to the floor, `– I am yours’, I whisper….

Touch Sensation: …Your hands pull at the sash — my robe slips away, and with it my inhibitions. Your touch — my bare flesh — a fire is igniting inside me….

…may not smell as sweet. What kind of words does your cyber-lover like to describe body parts or acts of love? Does he like poetic, illusive innuendoes? Or does he prefer graphic dirty words and explicit descriptions. Find out this information before you get into the heat of the action. And let him know how you feel. One false step in this department can leave a man hanging.

If you’ve been having a cyber-love affair, you may be wondering about taking it to the next level of reality. Assuming that you are both single and available, you may be curious to speak on the phone or even meet in person. WARNING: Are you willing to let go of a fantasy in order to have a real life experience? If the answer is yes, and you are willing to accept any possible outcome, then you know what you need to do next. Call him! If it goes well, get on an airplane!!!

But be honest with yourself. Are you ready to have your life (which you have some control over as long as you are at the keyboard) disrupted? Are you ready willing and able to face the fact that the person you have been imagining and sweet chatting is different from the living, breathing, real man? The man you have (created) in your mind may not be anything like the real thing. And he may have built up an idealized image of you. But if you are ready to surrender the dream….if you’re ready for reality….Go for it!

If your man wants to think he’s in control of the seduction, who are we to tell him otherwise? But… (can we talk girlfriends?…) we all know who’s in control of the seduction. You are!! If you hadn’t given him the green light in the first place, he wouldn’t have continued to give you his attention. You have to let him know that you are interested! Most men don’t put themselves in situations where they are going to be rejected for very long. It is the woman who gives the man the signals that allows him to go forward — to seduce you. So feel free, let him know what you want. After all, we can stop at any time, right? (Right!)

Cyberflirt for Woman is contributed by Dan Johnson