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Shy Men are Control freaks with Woman
Having a woman feel "safe" with you is the
most important thing. The problem is, if it is critically important
that you always make a woman feel safe, then you have committed
yourself to controlling how she feels. This makes you into a
control-freak. Consider:
If you are going to produce the outcome called "She always feels
safe," You must control her feelings. To control her feelings, you
have to also control every aspect of your interaction, every aspect
of your conversation, and every aspect of everything else. If you
lose control, she might feel unsafe. Thus, having to make her feel
safe means controlling everything. That is, in our minds, being a
control-freak. Shy men become control freaks because
they want to respect women and keep them safe, but being a control
freak accomplishes neither; it actually restricts and even hurts
women.
The truth is that shy men don't bring safety to women. They bring
the illusion of safety, or safety in a very small way--along with a
really big sense of restriction. As a result, a woman will tell a
shy man that she feels "safe" with him, but that "safety" lives in a
very narrow range: She knows he won't attack her, and that she is
probably not in immanent physical danger when she is with him.
Otherwise, she feels restrained and oppressed around him, and would
never in a million years dream of dating him.
Shy men live their lives thinking that they are showing up to
women as great guys. They are not. They seem unobtainable,
controlling, and difficult. David, who used to be very shy with
women, found this out years ago at a personal growth course. He got
up and talk about how he felt shy with women, and always wanted to
make them feel safe. The group leader asked the women in the group,
"How do you feel about a guy like this, who won't talk to you?" To
David's astonishment, the women were uniform in their response: they
thought he was a jerk. "If he won't talk to us and relax, how can we
have relationships with him?," and "How dare he decide how we should
feel with him?" was the tone of their responses. It was a real
eye-opener. Shy men seem difficult to women.
We once shared this story with a very shy student of ours, and he
couldn't--in fact, he stubbornly wouldn't--believe us. He would not
believe that he might seem difficult to women, though there was
ample evidence, even in his own life, that women were trying to
connect with him and he wouldn't allow it. Until he was willing to
accept that his shyness might have a different effect on women than
he thought, he was unable to change it.
So what is there to do about it? It can help to consider what we
have said here about being a control freak. Because your
control-freak-ism is motivated by your desire to be a "good guy"
with women, realizing that you aren't doing women any favors will
naturally motivate you to give that behavior up.
Here's what you should consider replacing it with: Accepting your
interest in women as a wholesome thing. If you accept yourself and
can risk expressing yourself more-or-less fully, then women around
you will feel like they can accept and express themselves, too. If
you take appropriate risks with women, it opens the door for them to
take risks with you.
Take some risks, and let go of controlling how women feel, and
you'll find that you have been experiences with women. You'll feel
freer, and she'll feel freer, and your chances of success with each
other will go up exponentially.
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