Here’s an email we recently received, and our answer:
Help!
I live in [area with numerous military bases]. This area is teeming with single men, almost three to every eligible woman.
The women here are spoiled, in that they have their pick of whomever they choose, and it is almost impossible to connect. The competition is over overwhelming, and, boy, do most of these women have attitudes!
Regarding personal ads and the Internet, I have been told by many that they get over forty responses to every ad/posting. Answering them is futile, and when I place one the only (if any) responses are from old fat women with kids. No luck there.
Go to a bar? There will be a handful of women in there being chased by every guy in the place, with the ratio of ten men to every one woman. Schools and social activities? Same thing, or there will be a lot of fat, ugly, gross women.
I have tried almost every idea in your book. I am a handsome, successful guy with a lot going for me, and I realize that it is a numbers game, but the deck is stacked heavily against me. Any suggestions?
-B.
Dear B:
You’re biggest problem is managing your own mental state in the face of the difficulties of your situation.
Like so many men, you’ve become somewhat “beaten down” by how hard things are in your area, so each subsequent “failure” hurts more than the last, and makes it even harder to keep trying and moving forward.
Behaviorists call this becoming “sensitized to a stimulus.” What was annoying and difficult becomes insurmountable. Everything looks too hard, so why even bother?
One thing we’ve noticed is that almost every man goes through a spell of being stopped by their own specific problem. They go through a period where it seems like the difficulty of the situation they face defeats and stops them.
The problem then stops being the difficulty of the environment–it becomes the fact that the man is so beaten down he won’t even try anymore.
And that “sensitization” is precisely your problem. You’ve had so many difficulties in a row that you now have a reason why anything you might try would never work.
Internet? That would never work. Personals ads? Classes? Bars? None of them would ever work. The game is over, might as well accept that you’ve lost, is the feeling that you have.
So what IS there to do?
Whenever you are stopped, there are several things to focus on.
First, we suggest that you answer the question:
“What is the smallest thing I can do to TAKE ACTION and feel good about the results?”
Don’t overwhelm yourself when you are feeling down. You need to start building some good feelings about women. Is there any woman you know who you could have “friend” sex with, or someone who might not be on your “A-list,” but who you could feel good about having sex with?
What are the resources that you DO have at your disposal? How could you exploit them?
And how about doing some travel? Is there a larger community near where you live that you could explore, place ads in, find events to go to, pursue over the internet?
Sometimes getting out of town is a great way to meet a different quality of woman. Take some action to take a trip, if only a day trip, to somewhere else! Before going, look in their weekly paper or on-line to find activities you could enjoy doing there, that would have women.
Start having the small successes that can lead to feeling good about women again, and to eventual victory!
So much of dating (and the rest of life) is walking the line between being hopelessly naïve and bitterly cynical.
It sounds like you ARE overly down and cynical. You need to take small action, get small successes, believe bigger success is possible, and CELEBRATE THE SUCCESSES YOU DO HAVE.
This will start to overcome your sensitization and get you back on the right path.
David & Ron
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Ron Louis and David Copeland are dating coaches and authors of the best selling “How to Succeed with Women” and the creators of Seduction Techniques |
