A lot more men have this going on than you think. They get a woman into bed, and find that their mind seems to want to go faster than their bodies do.
Often guys who have this also don’t orgasm with women the first time they have sex with them–they need to go at it a few times before they relax enough to “let loose.”
This is more normal than you think. Many men, especially shy men, or men who haven’t had much success with women, think that they want to have a lot of one-night stands…but when they finally succeed in getting a stranger into bed, they find that they aren’t interested after all.
This can be incredibly disconcerting. You do the work to be seductive, you actually succeed, you’ve got into bed some hot 19-year-old whose name you can’t even remember and whose last name you’ve never even heard, and your manhood decides to take a vacation on you. This is the thanks you get? What the hell is going on here?
It turns out that while most men think they want to have one-night-stands, a great number of them only like the idea in theory, or in fantasy. They are stuck with these sad facts: Being sexual is really pretty intimate. Not surprisingly, being that intimate requires a good deal of trust. Trust takes time to build. Therefore, those men who are not good at one-night stands have to accept that they don’t actually want the instant-sex that they think they want.
So what’s a fellow to do? We suggest that you listen to you dick when you are being sexual. But how to do that? You can say to a woman you are getting to know, “I have to tell you–I need to go slow into sexuality. I can be kind of, well, shy, when I first get sexual.” After giving that warning, just listen to what you want to do with a woman, and don’t go any farther than your dick wants you to.
The weird thing is, this little speech (and following up on it) can have two almost paradoxical effects:
First, telling a woman you want to slow down the sexuality in your relationship is often such a turn-on to her that she will end up wanting to go faster, or at least as fast as you chose to go. Unexpectedly, telling her you want to slow down puts you in the driver’s seat with a woman, putting YOU in charge of how fast sexuality goes. This makes you more of the “desired commodity” in the relationship.
Second, taking the pressure off yourself to have to perform with a woman can make it easier for you to, uh, perform. If you know that you don’t have to ‘get it up,’ and she knows you aren’t going to go nuts to push it, the freedom that knowledge gives you can make sex even more likely to have sex happen.
Third, practice often makes perfect. If you don’t have to perform, and both you and her know it, in time you might get better at one-nighters. At two AM, after drinks and late-night pizza and who-knows-what-else on the way to your one-nighter, she may not notice if you fall asleep half-way to going the distance, anyway.
But the real point of all this is that accepting yourself as someone who actually isn’t interested in one-nighters is a really good idea. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it in time…and not trying to be something you are not will ultimately improve your sex life.
||Ron Louis and David Copeland are dating coaches and authors of the best selling “How to Succeed with Women” and the creators of Seduction Techniques
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