Guided Visualization as a Key to Success
6 Feb 2002
Question and Answer with relationship expert Dr Dennis
Dear
Dr.:
I am writing to you because I'm in desperate need of some advice.
I always feel very tense and shy when it comes to interacting
with the opposite sex. My mind goes blank, I get nervous, and
feel very self-conscious. To make a long story short, I'm not
as successful with women as I feel I could be.
There are three main problems that I need help with:
1) I always feel extremely tense when in the presence of
attractive women. Whenever I want to approach a woman, I
chicken-out due to nerves. How can I overcome this?
2) What should I say? Should I start a friendly conversation, or
tell her straight away that I'm attracted to her?
3) When is it okay to "move in for the kill", e.g. attempt to
kiss her, caress her hair, or ask her to "come back to my
place"?
I have read several of your letters, and have complete faith that
you'll be able to help with my problem.
Hello!
Believe me, you are NOT alone in all of this! Almost every man
(98%) feels exactly the way you do. After all, nobody wants to
get shot down when they approach a woman, or worse yet, get
some kind of "as if!" response. So, don't feel like you're
alone in all of this.
Now, here's the upside: women don't want to be alone the rest of
their lives any more than you do! Thus, they're just as
interested (or even more so) in meeting someone as you
are.
So, let's look at how to go about handling these problems. First,
I strongly recommend that you pick up a copy of my book,
"Being a Man in a Woman's World" as it goes into all of this
in much greater depth than I can in a single email. So, to
wit:
As you're already aware, being nervous when you approach a woman
is absolutely contrary to your goals. You want to come of with
smooth, calm confidence. Being a nervous, stammering idiot is
not going to get you a phone number.
Almost every guy makes this mistake when he is first starting
out: he finds a particular girl and focuses all of his
energies on her, hoping to do everything just right. Of
course, he doesn't have any practice and therefore just makes
mistakes. She, sensing his lack of experience, usually turns him
down. My father had a great saying: "Only PERFECT practice
makes perfect." What he meant by this is that you have to have
a bunch of little successes before you can play at a master's
level - you build on your successes.
To do this you need to practice. But, don't practice by going out
and getting shot down. If you do this, you're just practicing
to fail! Do it by practicing in your mind first! This is
called "guided visualization". Here's how: every day, find
some quiet time in a comfortable room without any distractions. Turn
off the TV, the phone, etc., and sit down in a comfortable
chair - but don't lie down - it's too relaxing and you'll fall
asleep. Sit in a way where you don't have to use any muscles
to stay upright. Also, don't cross your arms or legs.
Now, take a few slow, deep breaths. After 4-5 of them, close your
eyes. You first need to relax your body so that your mind can
focus on the task at hand. You do this by going through ever
part of your body and imagining it as totally and completely
relaxed.
Start with your feet and move up your ankles to your calves, your
thighs, your hips, your stomach, your lower back, your upper
back, your chest, your shoulders, down your arms to your
forearms to your wrists your hands and your fingers. Next,
move back up to your hands, your forearms, your upper arms,
your shoulders, up into your neck, to the back of your head,
over the sides of your head, your ears, your face, your eyes
and your mouth.
This relaxation process will take a few minutes - don't cheat!
It's a critical step in all of this - after all, you want to
be relaxed when you approach women right? This is the time to
start programming your mind to do this.
Once you've got your body completely relaxed, imagine yourself,
walking through somewhere you've been. Don't imagine yourself
from the outside as though you're watching yourself in a movie
- actually look out of your own eyes. Try to imagine as much
detail as you can, including the sights, sounds, even the
smells.
Imagine that you're totally relaxed and confident. You might want
to use an example image for this like James Bond or John
Wayne. Next, imagine walking up to a beautiful women and
saying hello. Just have a short, non-specific conversation
with her in your mind. You might talk about anything - the place
you're at, the band if there is one, etc. Imagine her reacting
very positively to you; laughing at your jokes, leaning toward
you, looking you right in the eye, etc. The more vivid you can
make this imagination the better. And, with practice, it will
get more and more real.
Then, after a few minutes of this, just say, "It's been nice
talking to you. Let me have your home phone number and I'll
contact to get together for a drink some time." Then, imagine
her enthusiastically reaching into her purse, pulling out a
business card, writing her home number on it and giving it to
you.
If you practice this every day, at least 15-20 minutes you'll
find that your mind begins to accept the message. This is
because of a fact that was discovered about 100 years ago: the
mind can't differentiate between what is real, and what is
imagined with complete belief! It won't make you 100% at ease
when approaching women - that only comes with practice. But,
it WILL help reduce your anxiety substantially (perhaps as
much as 50-75%). That is very significant and will really help
you get into the game.
Regarding when to make the first move, check out this article on
that very subject:
Making the First Move
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