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Stop Being Used by Girls in a Relationship

Question and Answer with relationship expert Dr Dennis


For the past 3 years or so I've been involved with a girl whom I just can't seem to get to the next level with. Currently we live 50 miles apart. She is a recovering drug addict living in a recovery house.

Seems to me that the only reason she keeps me around for is financial support. The only time she calls me is when she needs cash. I see her maybe once a week and sex is an ancient and mysterious issue. It's been over a year since we were intimate, and we've had our chances. She claims she has no desire for it.

Of course I take this very personally and it's gotten to the point where it doesn't even faze me anymore. I do not want to feel this way, I like sex very much but with this girl I don't see much coming my way.

Being she is not around I've had a few chances to go out with other girls but my conscience won't let me. She says she loves me but I beg to differ. I mean to me she is like having another kid. She is very immature for her age (31) She has a lot of problems brought on by her drug use. (HIV, hepatitis, depression, etc.) 

In the beginning I pitied her but now I've gotten sick of her game (the illnesses) and how she tries to use people. Every time I make a move to let go my heart gets in the way. I don't mind helping people but I've gone far and beyond the call of duty with this girl. I'm living her life - not mine.

How do I get this cat off my back porch once and for all? I don't want to hurt her but I guess there is no other way. She'll get over it and we'll both be better off. The chances of her changing for me are slim to none. I have no other choice but to let her go, right?

Tired of being used

Hello "Tired"!

For God's sake! What the hell are you thinking???

Ok, let's summarize your situation here:

  1. She's a (recovering) drug addict
  2. She lives in a halfway house
  3. She's a long distance away from you (50 miles)
  4. You only see her once a week
  5. You suspect that she's only seeing you because you give her money, and presumably gifts
  6. You give her emotional support
  7. You have no sex life with her, and she isn't interested in one with you
  8. You have no real emotional life, other than supporting all her drama
  9. She's HIV positive, has hepatitis, and is a manic depressive

Oh, yeah, one more thing: you're in love with her.

Jack - you're an asshole.

There, I said it. I regret it, and am sorry to be so brutish, but it's true.

What are you thinking? The most beautiful woman on the planet couldn't even make these negatives worthwhile! Just please tell me that you haven't been doing this for months, let alone years!

What should you do? First, find her telephone number, her address, and anything she's ever given you. Next, pile them all up in the backyard, douse liberally with gasoline, add one flaming match and have yourself a "freedom bonfire". Absolutely DO NOT, under any circumstance contact this woman again! I don't care what her story is, what she needs, what she promises you - nothing. In psychological parlance, you are an "enabler" - someone that makes it possible for another with an addictive personality to live in his or her addiction. It sounds like she's simply traded one addiction (drugs) for another (abusing you).

This woman has her problems, but the REAL problem is you! Why do you think you have to live like this? What makes you believe that there is anything healthy in all of this? My brother, you seem like a nice guy - too nice. You deserve something healthy and worthwhile - and this situation ain't it!

Do you want to see how men with a healthy self-image, and ones that really care about women think, act and live? Pick up a copy of "Being a Man in a Woman's World", then READ IT!

You might also want to consult a therapist for a couple of sessions just to see why you have the ability to accept this abuse. You are either blinded by your need for her, or your need for abuse. Believe me, you don't need it or deserve it.

Next, get yourself out there and start meeting some new people - but only those that are stable. You're going to be amazed at how much your life turns around when you're immersed in the mentally healthy.

Dr. Dennis W. Neder the author of Being a Man in a Woman's World. Got a love, relationship or man/woman question ? I answer all letters. You can write to me at for answers.

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