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Making Eye Contact
Question and Answer with relationship expert Dr Dennis
Hi,
My question for you is :
About a month and a half ago my fiancé and I broke up after 3 years. I am trying to get back into the singles dating scene but I have a problem. Most of the time when I try to make eye contact with a girl, even if I notice that they were checking me out they look away so that I can't make contact. It is hard to go talk to them without any eye flirting first, you know testing the ground, finding out if they are open to talking/being hit on. I have been told that I am good looking by girls I have dated and my female friends. I don't act conceded, and I am not full of my self. I am a little shy but once I start talking I am relaxed. Can the girls see the shyness, or (as some people have told me) intimidated by someone who is good looking, do they think I am taken, a player, or what?
I am confused; any help would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks
Hello!
First, keep in mind that you don't HAVE to have eye contact to go meet someone. This is often more of a courtesy than a rule. I've gotten women's phone numbers that never even looked my way. However, that said, getting eye contact helps to insure you're advance is welcome. It's part of the mating game. If you're not bothered by rejection, don't worry about eye contact.
Another thing to consider with eye contact is that there are "local customs" as to how long one should make eye contact. Here in Southern California where I live, eye contact is very fleeting - just a fraction of a second. However, in the mid-west as in many other places in the world, eye contact is made for a much longer period of time.
These local customs are important in determining what eye contact is appropriate. Many men that come here (So. Cal.), from the mid-west have a difficult time reading this eye contact. As well, it took me a while to get used to the long periods that are considered normal in other areas. Thus, look to local customs as a guide. How do you know? You'll know by how other people (besides just cute girls) look at you. Someone that passes you on the street is a good example. Keep watching them until they look away. Do this with a number of people to get a feeling for the local customs.
Along with eye contact you also want to use other body language and clues as a guide. For example, when a woman looks at you then directly away, she's probably just scanning the landscape with you in it. On the other hand, when she looks at you, then down and away, that's a very good sign, regardless of the length of the contact. Another eye contact clue is when she looks at you out of the corner of her eye. For example, she's sitting, talking with a girlfriend, but looks at you (more than once) without shifting her head.
Another good sign is when she's sitting with her shoulders square to you - something like using her breasts to point at you. Likewise, if she's sitting in a way to show you her palms, or touching her hair, etc., these are good "buying signals".
The key is to combine as many signals together as you can. A single eye contact is not enough. Any woman interested in meeting you will usually throw at least a few signals. But again, you don't necessarily need any to make an approach, just don't say I didn't warn you!
My book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" goes into a ton of this type of information - much more than I can in a single email, and there are many others. Become a student of body language, next to verbal communication, it's the most important part of the mating game.
Good luck, much love
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