When Your Lover's Mother Gets In The Way
9 Jan 2002
Question and Answer with relationship expert Dr Dennis
Hi,
I need help !
I'm, seeing a guy and everything in our world seems right and
amazing - except for my boyfriend's mother. She seems to think I'm
trying to take him away from her! That's not what I want at all. He
has an incredible family that he loves very much, but she is trying
to ruin our relationship!
His mom has even gone so far as to expose some of my private
medical information to his out of town relatives. I wrote her a
carefully worded letter explaining that I did not like what she did.
I even sent it to my boyfriend so he could see it and know I wasn't
being mean or accusatory. He thought the letter was fine so I sent
it. She went through the roof after reading it and accused me of
being mean and hateful.
We have not spoken since then. I keep my mouth shut most of the
time when she says or does something to upset me just because of my
boyfriend. I don't want him to be stuck in the middle of things. How
do I settle things with his mom to get past this problem? It doesn't
bother me if we're not friends. If she can't accept us together, is
there a way to just get a little peace? When he tries to discuss it
with her, she sees no wrong in what she has done. She just keeps
saying that I'm trying to put a wedge in between her and him.
Can you please help ?
Hello!
Yes, mothers can be quite a pain sometimes!
It sounds like you've done just about everything you should from
discussing it with your boyfriend to reviewing the situation with
your friends and family. It sounds like your motives are
non-sinister, and that mom is just trying to create some problems.
Here's what I would do in the same situation:
1) Re-evaluate your situation one more time and make sure that
there is nothing you're doing that may be a further cause of
this.
2) Talk to your boyfriend again. It is his responsibility to deal
with his mother. If he can't, tell him to go get his testicles, put
them back in his pants and have a pow-wow with his mother to get her
off your back. He needs to tell her that he won't tolerate this
situation, as it is SHE (mom) that is driving a wedge between them.
If he can't seem to find where he left his balls, have it write to
me, and I tell him where to look!
3) Have a talk with mom yourself. Drop by when you know that
she's free, bring some pastries and hash out an understanding with
her. Explain that you LIKE their family (including her) and want
things to be good for everyone - including your boyfriend's
relationship with her. Say that you understand how important her
bond is with him, and see that a lot of the things you love about
him have come from her. Tell her that if she feels she's losing him
(which she's not) that you can help insure that she doesn't. You
should also drop the hint that you can also make things worse, but
you don't want to. Frankly, mom's an idiot for not realizing this in
the first place, and should be trying to work with you to get on
your good side.
4) If mom isn't able to see all of this, just know you've done
everything you can, and put it behind you. The problem is hers, and
frankly, you hold the keys here. You get to decide how much time
your boyfriend spends with his mom, if he's "free" or not, etc. Tell
him not to tell his mother about anything in your relationship
because you don't want it spread through the rest of the family (mom
has already proven that she can't keep your secrets), and make him
stick to it.
I know from personal experience what kind of problem this is. If
you've done everything here and mom won't come around, it really
isn't your problem - it's hers. You can put it aside and move on
knowing that you've done everything you can. On the other hand, you
and she may even become friends someday!
Good luck, much love...
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