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Automatic Sexual Chemistry Revealed

How to Begin Kissing

Question and Answer with relationship expert Dr Dennis

The Checklist

Before you move in close, check everything - you want this to be a pleasant experience, not something bad or embarrassing:

Is your breath ok? Here's how you check: when you're by yourself, (please - don't do this in front of your date!), lick the palm of your hand, then sniff it. If it smells ok, your breath is ok. If not, pop a mint or three.
Check your teeth for stray food particles. If you don't have a mirror, a knife, or even the crystal on your watch can help. If you find any, get rid of them!

For men: are you clean-shaven or do you have a 3-day old beard. Women's faces are very sensitive. You don't want to go rubbing that sandpaper on her cheek unless she absolutely loves it.
Are your lips chapped, or (for women - hopefully), have you just applied lipstick? If you're lips aren't ready for kissing, get them in shape first.

Are he or she receptive to being kissed? This is something of a gray area because sometimes a kiss out of the blue can be just the right thing. If you're not sure (or experienced enough to know), don't risk it.
Ok, ready ? 

Let's get started learning the right way to kiss:

How to Begin Kissing

You will probably need to practice as kissing isn't a natural skill. How do you practice? Well, your brother, sister or grandmother aren't good choices. Neither is your dog - I don't care what you hear about their mouths being clean!

It's a good idea to practice on something because you want to learn the "feel" when you're doing it right, (we'll get into that in the next sections.) One way to practice is to use a pillow, the back of your hand or even the inside of your arm. You want something that is soft and "fleshy feeling" - just like your partner's lips will be.

In your practicing, try to imagine the perfect setting - and that you're completely relaxed and confident. Most people spend too much time imagining the worst-case scenario rather than what they WANT to happen. If negative thoughts creep into your mind, stop and get them under control and start again.

Here are the steps to a perfect kiss:

Step #1 - Before you start

Imagine being ready to give your date that first kiss. You probably don't want to just jump on them and plant a big, wet kiss on their mouths. That's far too much, too soon. Instead, you want some build up and drama and appear smooth and confident. Here's how you create that:

First, stop whatever conversation is going on. One way to do this is to wait until it's your turn to talk, (and there is no lingering question in the air, like, "And what will you be having for lunch, sir?") You should watch your conversation pattern anyway. If you're the only one rambling, your date it going to get bored very quickly. Excessive talking is also a sign of nervousness. Try to calm yourself by breathing slowly and deeply. Further, if you're constantly yammering on, it doesn't give anyone the chance to make a move.

Step #2 - The approach

If you're walking or just standing, bringing your partner around to face you can be a very dramatic opening to the first kiss. You can take his or her hands, and draw them toward you. If you're sitting, you'll first need to turn to face your partner. For women, you can even cozy up to them or even sit in their laps!

The next step is to make direct eye contact. Just look into your partner's eyes for a moment. Make it last just a little longer than usual. This actually says that something's about to happen. Look right into them as though you're looking through him or her to an object behind them. Add a soft, confident smile.

Then, slowly move closer. Move as much of your body as you can without actually pressing against them. You might even reach out and take the person's hands to draw them close to you - all while still looking into their eyes.

As you get closer to your target, you want to let your eyes close. Some people kiss with their eyes open, and this can be alarming to some people. Nothing breaks the mood faster than to open your eyes in mid-kiss only to see the other person looking intently right back at you. So, as you get close, let your eyes close.

Step #3 - Initial Mouth Control

To begin with, you need to learn the proper way to hold your mouth and lips. When you first start kissing, there is a tendency to want to kiss like you were taught when you were a child - with your lips puckered, tight and closed. This is very UN-sexy!

Try this: open your mouth slightly while relaxing your lips and the muscles of your face completely. Use your fingers to feel how soft and spongy your lips feel. This is where things begin. When you want to kiss someone, don't tighten your lips - keep them relaxed at first.

There is a band of muscle the surrounds your mouth in a ring, (called the "orbicular oris" if you care to know). This is a very strong muscle and lets you put your mouth into all sorts of shapes - especially the pucker. You want to use this muscle because, while your lips should be relaxed, this muscle should be slightly tensed. The key word here is "slightly".

Now, with your mouth slightly open and your lips relaxed, press your lips gently against the fleshy part of the back of your hand, behind and between your thumb and first finger. Hold it there and note how your lips feel. This is where everything begins, as it's the exact feel you want to go for when you kiss someone else.

The amount of pressure you use will depend on your particular tastes, but remember that if you kiss too softly it will tickle and he or she will pull away. If you kiss too hard, the blood will leave her lips and they'll go numb. Between these extremes is a lot of navigation room however. Let your kissing partner help determine what pressure is right.

Remember to keep your lips slightly firm at this point. As you add pressure, your lips may curl up- and down-ward, exposing the moist inner-lip. You never want your kisses to start off wet. This is sloppy and shows very poor form. That doesn't mean that they won't get wet, but that's for later.

Step #4 - Proper head position

If you are looking at your kissing partner straight-on, with your head exactly parallel to theirs and you try to kiss them, you're just going to bump noses. So, as you move in, you're going to have to cock your head slightly. This can be as far as 90 degrees or as little as about 10. Be sure not to stick your chin out too far however or you're going to just bump into them!

Step #5 - Lip position

Exactly where your lips are placed isn't really that important. They don't have to be lined up perfectly with your partners, and in fact should be slightly off-center.

You can even "stagger" your lip position with your partners lower or upper lip in between yours for example. The exact position isn't important as long as a majority of your lips make contact with a majority of their lips.


Dr. Dennis W. Neder the author of Being a Man in a Woman's World. Got a love, relationship or man/woman question ? I answer all letters. You can write to me at for answers.

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