Healthy and Happy - or Just Hopeless Relationship
Question and Answer with relationship expert Dr Dennis
Hello,
I need some advice.
My boyfriend and I met on the Internet and we chatted for about 8 months. He asked for a picture of me so I sent him one when I was 23 now I am 39. The picture was very misleading. I finally came to meet him and when he saw the real me he was very hurt and confused.
He tells me that he loved me deeply and that he had never known a love like ours before. He tells me that if I lose some weight, that maybe things will work out for us. I am staying at his house and every time I mention finding a place of my own he always wants me to stay so we can talk that night when he gets home from work.
He always tells me that I shouldn't be in a hurry to move that I can stay here for as long as I like. We sleep in the same bed at night but we don't make love to each other. Can you please help me figure out if there is a chance with us or not. Is this his way of getting back at me ?
Please give me your advice on the situation.
Hello!
Here's a word you might want to consider to describe this situation: unhealthy !
Not only did you mislead him with that picture, but it doesn't sound like he knows where he's going either. Why do you sleep in the same bed (even live under the same roof) without having sex? Is he keeping you around hoping that you'll lose weight and start looking like you did in your early 20's? Is he that lonely? Are you?
Obviously, I can't read his mind to tell you what he's thinking, but I can compare what you're doing with what people in healthy relationships do. They look forward to each other not because they're lonely, but because they genuinely like each other. They find that when they're around the other person, they like themselves too. They have fun, they have sex, and they have mutual respect. I'm not sure I see any of this in your situation.
You were obviously living somewhere before you moved in with him. Why did you give that up? What the hell are you thinking? You didn't mention how long this situation had been going on, but even if it's 1 day, it's too long.
Here's my advice: get the hell out of there and get your own place. Then, start working on yourself - and I'm not talking about the weight, although this may be at least once source of your self-esteem problems. You need to ask yourself why you'd accept such a situation.
Once you get these questions answered, THEN you can revisit this relationship - not before. If you feel that it "works" for you (unlikely), then go back and start slowly to rebuild it. If not, find one that DOES work.
You deserve to be healthy AND happy.
Good luck, much love...
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