Dating / Relationship Question and Answer
26 June 2001
10 Signs That It's Time to Break Up
Sometimes, good things end. That's just the
way life is. Sometimes, bad things continue due to neglect or fear. This ISN'T the way
life should be!
I continue to tell people, the problem isn't that there are too
many divorces - there are too many marriages! So many people
hook up with partners that are (or become) unhealthy for them,
then find that they can't bring themselves to break it off -
sometimes out of fear of being alone, sometimes through convincing
by their friends or family, sometimes through concern of how
they will look, sometimes through simple neglect, etc.
When should a relationship break up? Simple: when it no longer
provides benefit to one or both partners. In other words, if
you aren't getting what you want or need from being with
someone, or if you recognize that your partner isn't getting
what they want or need it's time to move on.
I've had some people say to me, "Isn't that a little selfish -
what about the person you're dumping?" To this I answer, "How
can it be good for someone to stay with a person that doesn't
want to be with him or her?" After all, how low does your
self-esteem (let alone your self-respect) have to be to want to
do this? It is by far much healthier to go about finding the
relationship that works for you - that gives you what you
need, than to apathetically cling to something that isn't
fulfilling. Life is too short for this, and you deserve better.
So, how do you know when to break off your relationship? Here are
10 signs to watch for. Note that most people encounter one,
two or more of these things periodically. However if they
you're finding that you experience more than a few
consistently - over a longer period, it's probably time to move
on:
10. You no longer look forward to spending time alone with your
partner.
You may still have a good sex life (or not!) but actually talking
to your partner seems like a chore. If spending time alone
with your partner seems like a prison sentence you may be up
for a parole.
9. You begin comparing your partner to others.
This is particularly true when other people seem more appealing
to you. We all find others - often those we don't have -
attractive. If however, you find that you're comparing
specific traits - a person's voice, their neatness, they way
they carry themselves, etc., against others; especially things your
partner can't change - you should re-evaluate your
relationship.
8. You criticize or "micro-manage" your partner
If you're always concerned that your partner's socks aren't
exactly right for his pants, or that she wears too much
make-up, or that he or she just can't seem to take their
responsibilities seriously, don't look at them - look at
yourself. People that are in love tend to look beyond minor
annoyances to the bigger picture. If you're having trouble
doing this you may want to work on your exit plan.
7. You start trying to change your partner
Many people fall in love with people that excite them, but find
that this excitement isn't good for them in the long term. On
the other hand, they may find someone "stable" that doesn't
provide enough variety in their relationship. If you find that
you're constantly trying to convert your partner from the
person you fell in love with, it may be time to bolt.
6. You re-connect with ex lovers
It's one thing to send an ex-girlfriend a birthday card. It is
entirely another to take her out for dinner and a movie "just
to catch up". The trick here is to be honest about your
motivations. If you had the chance to sleep with him or her,
would you? Are you looking for approval or an ego-boost from him or
her? Have you forgotten why you broke up in the first
place?
5. His or her jokes are no longer funny
Of course, you may have heard them 1,000 times, but people in
love tend to look beyond this repetitiveness. They see that
their partner is being humorous, not how funny something is or
isn't.
4. You're doing all the giving - or all the getting
Relationships are about mutual benefit. If one partner is
benefiting over the other, the relationship isn't healthy.
This doesn't mean that everything should be exactly balanced.
For example, just because one partner spends $50 on a birthday
present, that the other should spend exactly that amount. Nor does
it mean that both partners should always split a dinner check.
If one person pays all the time, and the other doesn't at
least cook a few meals, there is something wrong - and
unhealthy about the relationship.
3. You constantly find ways to include others in your
activities
Always including others indicates that you're not looking forward
to being alone with your partner. Of course, you need time
with your friends, but if you never have private time, or the
only time you're alone is when you're having sex, perhaps the
problem is in the company.
2. Your friends no longer like being around you when you're with
your partner
Your friends don't have to dislike your partner - perhaps they
don't like what affect your partner has one YOU! Consider that
your relationship with your friends is at least as important
in the long run as your relationship with your partner. In
fact, it may be MORE important as they will see you as you really
are, and will be there even if he or she isn't - IF you treat
them right!
1. You no longer feel good about yourself
At first, this seems like a strange warning sign about your
relationship, but think about how you felt when you first
hooked up with your partner. You felt great - about yourself
and your world. If this is now lacking where it was there
before, you may want to look at your relationship.
|
