Being "Daddy" Without The Sugar
16 Jan 2002
Question and Answer with relationship expert Dr Dennis
Hello Dr
Neder,
I read your piece on Breaking Up with much interest and seek your
advice as offered in the article.
In about two months my partner and I will be celebrating our
three-year anniversary. Discussions on marriage have started and I
expect we will be making decisions about our future together soon.
Recently I have been experiencing doubt about our relationship as
we have being spending a considerable time apart as my partner is
studying overseas. I care about her very deeply but am concerned
that this does not equate to love and am struggling to define the
difference between the two.
Unfortunately my partner's family is a mess and the relationship
with her separated parents is shallow and unfulfilling for her. I
suspect that I am filling a father figure role, as I am six years
her senior (she is 25) and supporting her financially so that she
can study full time.
Deep down I do not respect her as an equal and probably have
taken on the father figure role out of my own need to be needed. I
know for my own fulfillment that I need to have a partner that I
respect and consider equal. This has led me to thoughts of breaking
up.
Is there a way for us to re-balance the relationships and change
our current roles? Longer term I am afraid that if we continue in
our current pattern I will feel trapped and alone in a relationship
that is one-way.
Hello!
As I keep telling people, the problem is not that there are too
many divorces - there are too many marriages!
People seem to get married for all of the wrong reasons - and
there are a ton of them. By contrast, there are only two reasons
that I can see to get married:
1) You've decided that nobody else now, or in the future could
ever be "the one" for you and you're willing to put aside any
possible future interest in any else to make this so, (highly
unlikely by the way); or,
2) You want to start a family.
That's it!
As you've already mentioned, you are probably in this
relationship for all the wrong reasons. I'm deeply concerned that
you're paying her tuition overseas. This is bad all around. Why are
you doing this? She's 25 years old. Do you think that she won't meet
someone over there while she's away? Not likely. Remember your own
college days? Sure, you wanted an education, but was that the only
thing you wanted? She's likely to return to the states with her
degree AND her new boyfriend! Of course, you'll have paid the bill
for it all!
You seem to have nailed the essence of the relationship - she
wants a "daddy" figure (sugar-daddy?) and you want to be needed.
This is not a healthy foundation on which to build a relationship!
Neither is the "pay for play" model by the way.
You see, people spend more time planning their vacations than
they spend planning their relationships. Isn't this ridiculous? What
you have here is a relationship that has taken it's own course
without much "direction" from you. Now, as things are getting
serious, you're beginning to re-evaluate your involvement in the
relationship. You should have done this before monogamy set in!
In my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" I go into this
planning process in depth, so I'm not going to re-iterate it here
(actually it spans 3 chapters of the book itself!) But suffice it to
say; first you've got to decide just what you want - specifically
and clearly. If you don't want to get married, my brother - DON'T!
No good can come of it. Likewise, if you don't want to get married
to her - DON'T.
The first step is to sit down and really determine what you want
in your life. Until you do this, you're always going to be at the
mercy of everyone else's ideas of just what's best for you. This
includes your girlfriend, your friends, your girlfriend's parents,
your parents, your minister, your pet goldfish, etc., etc., etc.
Next, look at the relationship and see if there is hope of getting
these things from it. If not, it's time to move on.
If you want to try to re-organize your present relationship, you
need to run (don't walk!) down to your local bookstore (or go to our
website) and get my book. It is full of "male philosophy" on how to
begin to properly manage your relationship including what it takes
to direct and manage your relationship in the long-term. It also
covers how to meet someone that better fits your needs.
My point here is not to give you a sales pitch, but to give you
some options. After 3 years of this pattern, it's time to make some
changes - either in your relationship with her, or in yourself.
Either of these are going to take some work, but it's worth it.
Otherwise, you're just going to go from this situation right into
another just like it.
So, here's the bottom line:
1) Decide what you want from your life and your relationship(s),
2) Decide if you CAN get it from this current relationship, 3) If
so, make it what you want by expecting the change and implementing a
plan (I'd start with finding a new funding source for your
girlfriend's education), 4) If not, get out and start meeting some
new people as your construct your "exit plan".
Life is not a dress rehearsal. You don't want to find out 5 years
from now that you're married to someone that you shouldn't be, and
those that meet your needs are no longer in reach.
Good luck, my brother!
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