Dating / Relationship Question and Answer
8 Nov 2001
She Doesn't Need Another Girlfriend
I read your article "What are your goals
Girl-Friend or girlfriend?" and it relates to my situation. I met
this girl a couple of years ago
in an art class, the signals were clear that
we were both interested in each other. We went out
a few times but I always held back from becoming too intimate or
talking about the possibility of being boyfriend/girlfriend because she was leaving the
country in
a
month.
She invited me to visit her overseas, gave me her address and
number and asked me to write. We wrote for a few months before I
decided to go visit her. I knew I was interested in her but was
afraid of falling in love for the wrong reasons, so I decided to go
but not cross the line with her - no sex, no kissing, etc. I wasn't
my usual self when I was there - very reserved and not talkative.
She invited me to sleep in her bed with her but I was again adamant
about not crossing my line so I didn't try anything.
After my vacation was over and I was leaving, she tried to get me
to tell her how I felt. I was still afraid not really knowing how I
felt yet and having no more time with her. My feelings for her grew
and I decided I really liked her and needed to tell her. So, I wrote
her a letter. I called and we spoke about it and she was very
angry. She was frustrated with me not opening up. She said my
last chance was when I was there and it's too late now.
I was planning on going back to see her unannounced with flowers
on New Years Eve to see if I could change her mind. A friend of hers
got wind of this and tipped her off. She wrote back ending the
relationship and told me not to call her because she doesn't see me
as anything more than just a friend. I hadn't heard from her for
about 7 months when a letter arrived out of nowhere. We started
casually writing again. She told me she was planning to come to the
states that summer to visit, and would be staying with a girlfriend
of hers.
When she arrived, we went out. We had a wonderful time, talked
and laughed but only as friends. We spoke on the phone after she
went back to her country and explained my reasons for not crossing
the line. She told me she still sees me as a friend however. I still
feel that I want to be with her. My plan is to build intimacy, trust
and closeness through email and phone calls.
Her birthday is coming up in December and I am thinking of
contacting a friend of hers to have her arrange a surprise party and
I'd show up and surprise her. What do you suggest?
Hello Bobby!
My brother, I'm sorry to tell you - you totally pussed out! If
you care to know, I can tell you exactly what she's thinking - she
was hoping for a boyfriend, and she got another girlfriend instead.
In fact, that's exactly how she's treated you after you went to
Europe the first time. Sorry to be so harsh, but someone has to. It
might as well be me. You have totally bought into the "feminization
of men" that I talk about so much in my interviews, books, and
articles.
Bobby, I get letters every single day from women complaining
about the same things you've done. Women DO NOT want men that are
"sensitive", "take it slow" or "spend time getting to know them".
They want strong, confident men that have a direction and are
willing to make things the way THEY (the men) want them to be. Women
have had to take the relationship lead for the past 35 years or so,
and frankly, they aren't happy about it. Believe me, they tell me
this all the
time.
This girl isn't happy about your choices either. If you DO put
together the surprise birthday party, don't YOU be surprised if she
shows up with a boyfriend! I mean, how much do you expect the poor
girl to take? Short of jumping on you she did everything else. Why
wouldn't she go the "extra mile"? Because, she was disappointed with
the idea of being in a relationship with someone that
couldn't
make any moves - let alone even the first ones! You've made just
about every
mistake I can think of, and a few new ones. If you
ever want to have a future with women, you've got to get this
problem solved.
Bobby, again, I'm sorry to be so harsh, but you've got to get
this mistaken (and misplaced) sense of respect and courtesy
corrected. You haven't done her any favors, nor have you done
yourself any. No wonder she was so angry with you! This doesn't mean
that you shouldn't be respectful when dealing with women, but you've
taken this so far to the extreme it's ridiculous! You'd better get
some direction. Unfortunately, it isn't her job to "make the moves"
- it's yours. That's the way it is. She's given you every possible
opportunity to make them, and
you've ignored each one.
So, what should you do? First, drop the "falling in love with her
for the wrong reasons", and "to build intimacy, trust and share"
plans. Yes, I know that's what "popular media" says you should do.
My brother, you've been watching too much Oprah, and the Lifetime
Network. Women are just as confused about what they want today as
men, so at least you're in good company. But, you can't use THEIR
messages as an example of how to deal with relationships with them!
Fathers and
older brothers are supposed to help you get this
understanding, but too often, they either aren't in the picture, or
have bought into all of this crap themselves. Think of me as that
older brother that's here to help - finally.
To be honest with you, I doubt you have any more chances with
this girl. If she ever gives you another chance, consider her that
Saint of Saints! Frankly, you're better choice is to find someone
local and begin pursing them with all the problems solved.
I also believe that you have another issue going on here - fear.
Why did you choose so difficult a target as someone living overseas?
Are you thinking about moving there or hoping that she'll move here?
She has a life there, just like you do here. I doubt she's going to
up and leave her friends, her family and her life to rush off to the
States and be your buddy.
I think that you've been afraid to make your move for fear of
rejection. What if she turned you down? An even bigger question is,
what if anyone turns you down? It's going to happen, if not now, in
the future, so what are you waiting for? Get moving! Meet some new
girls and start getting numbers.
I often give this advice to men: if you've got problems being
afraid of rejection, don't look for "yes's", look for "no's". What
do I mean by this? Set a goal for yourself to get 3 "no's" from
women every week. Actively try to seek them out. Why would any sane
guy want to do this? Because, you are special, my friend. However,
you are not SO special as to fail every single time! Scattered in
amongst those "no's" are going to be a bunch of "yes's". Go back and
re-read this paragraph.
Here's a quick summary of these thoughts:
1. Get your head on straight about women - in short, get your
testicles back in your pants where they belong, and stop trying to
make them do all the work to protect your ego. You've got to get
into the game - don't sit on the sidelines!
2. Get your "relationship plan" completed, (you'll learn all
about this in my book), and get your "seduction knowledge" up.
3. Get your relationship life on track - get numbers and start
dating! Stay with this girl as a friend, but don't invest everything
you have in her. I doubt you have any further chances.
Bobby, I know I've taken this in a different direction than you
expected. However, the problem isn't in HER reaction to YOUR actions
- it's in YOUR philosophy. Until you get this corrected, you're
never going to have anything going on with this woman, or any other.
Please mull over this and let me know what you think.
Good luck, much love...
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