Dating / Relationship Question and Answer
20 Sept 2001
Relationship Management During a Crisis
Managing relationships when crisis hits is a
difficult task. You often get into
things you wouldn't otherwise or even use your relationship as a way
to console your feelings of helplessness, anger and fear.
Here in California, I've seen this many times happen during our
earthquakes, fires and riots. Even during the Gulf War, people
naturally wanted to help ease their suffering and often turn to
their relationships.
It's a good idea to draw off the strength of those you love, and
to share yours with them, but be careful not to use the stress
brought on by crisis against your partner, or as an excuse to
over-commit. Let's look at both of these scenarios:
Turning Your Anger, Fear or Anxiety
Inward to the Relationship
Some people don't handle crisis very well. This isn't a bad thing
- who in this country really gets much chance to learn how? Frankly,
up until now, we've had it pretty good. Because of this, when a
crisis DOES hit, many are just not prepared.
Everyone hopes that they will act like a hero during a crisis.
Obviously, there are a relative few that actually can. Of course,
everyone wants to be that person, but few get the chance to prepare
themselves, and even fewer have it in them naturally. This lack of
preparation leads to overreaction, frustration, fear and anxiety.
Many people start to lash-out at those around them, and often strike
the person in closest reach - their lover, wife, husband, or
partner.
Dealing with this situation is a double-edged sword - both from
the standpoint of the person inflicting the damage, and from the
person receiving it. How do you handle all the conflicting emotions?
Is there a way to vent them without harming someone you love?
Yes - the first key however is to realize that you're having
difficulty dealing with the crisis. During a crisis, you want to
take extra care to deal with all the conflicting emotions you may
feel. You may need to talk to someone.
You should also recognize that your partner might be having his
or her own issues. It's easy (and natural) to turn your focus
inward, but try not to forget that he or she may be going through
many of the same things you are.
Using a Crisis as an Excuse to
Over-Commit
We've seen this every time there is a major event - be it a
disaster like an earthquake, or a war; people decide to step-up
their plans or jump into commitments they wouldn't otherwise
make.
During both World Wars, the war in Vietnam, and even as recent as
the Gulf War, many people chose to get engaged, married, pregnant,
etc., before leaving to separating. While this may seem romantic, it
is rarely a good idea. Why should a crisis change the path of your
relationship?
Of course, knowing that there is someone waiting back home may
make the distance seem less important, but consider what may happen
when you return. Perhaps this person has changed their minds. Maybe
they only agreed to this to appease the person leaving, etc. There
are hundreds of reasons why someone may decide to agree to change
their relationship.
If you're the one staying home, you too may be tempted to change
your relationship. Consider that, while your partner is away, many
things may change - for both of you. The promises you make today may
not be practical in a few weeks, months or even years.
What Should You Do Right
Now?
If you haven't already, try to define your relationship to
yourself. Be brutally honest - not wistfully unaware! If you're in
the relationship for convenience or because you just don't have the
heart to break it off, realize that. On the other hand, if you're
building your relationship to a goal, accept that and define the
goal even more clearly. Also try to view your relationship (as
clearly as possible) from your partner's eyes, but don't feel
compelled to share this
with your partner however. You're
building a personal definition only.
Then, do nothing.
What? I hear you asking, "If I'm going through the effort to
really define my relationship, why shouldn't I do something about
it?" Because, you need to have a stable platform to work from. You
need to understand that your definition of the relationship may be
colored by your emotions of the crisis. However, if you don't give
(or haven't up until now given), your relationship some meaning or
purpose for existing, you can't easily decide the best way to act
within it.
Unfortunately, too many people live lives as "wandering
generalities". That is, they do all the things most of us do, but
they tend to wander; to and from their jobs, with their friends; and
in their relationships. Thus, without some definition, any action is
the right one - even inflicting unintentional harm or
over-committing to future plans.
Try to keep your relationship on a consistent path. Do the same
things you did before the crisis. Go to movies or rent them if
that's what you're used to doing. Spend time together but don't
think you have to force yourselves together more often or for longer
periods than before. There has never been a more important time to
"live for today", because you don't know what tomorrow will
bring.
What Should You Do In The
Long-Term?
It's ok to have plans - even to make them during a crisis.
However, be careful not to act on them until you're in a more
rational time and place. By taking the previous step and defining
your relationship (for yourself), you at least have a yardstick to
measure it by.
What if you already have future plans for your relationship?
Don't change them - in fact, don't change anything about your life.
Don't take money out of the bank or stock market, don't cancel plans
with friends or family, and don't make major changes to your
relationship plans.
Resources
Everyone in the world is affected by this recent cowardly act.
Some are affected in deep, profound ways. Remember, you don't have
to go through this alone. In fact, you owe it to your loved ones and
yourself to insure you have the strength to move ahead with your
life.
As President Bush as said, this is going to be a "dirty war". We
are going to grow up as a nation and need to grow up as individuals.
This involves learning new, more effective coping skills. Here are
some resources you might want to use in helping to cope with this
tragedy:
* FBI Tip website
* World Trade Center Survivor Database
*
Justice Department phone line to provide information to families
about victims and services for survivors: 1.800.331.0075
*
American Red Cross Red Cross appeals for blood:
1.800.448.3543
Cash donations to the Red Cross: 1.800.435.7669
* Cash donations to the Salvation Army: 1.800.725.2769
*
Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA): 1.800.424.8802
*
FEMA Nation Map of Regional Offices
* North American Center for
Emergency Communications: 1.218.229.2887
* Disaster Area Missing
Person Search Form
* Web pages set up for WTC Crisis folks to
check in
* Doctors who want to volunteer their help:
1.518.431.7600
Crisis services, coping information, forums, and
hotlines
* Victims of Crime Resource Center: 1.800.627.6872
* How You Can Help suggestions from Helping.org
* National
Center for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
* Listing of emergency
and crisis hotlines
* Disaster Mental Health Handouts
*
Steps You Can Take To Cope In Stressful Situations
* Coping With
the Aftermath of a Disaster
* What to Tell Children About
Terrorist Bombings
* Sudden Deaths: A Survival Guide for Family
and Friends
* Craig's list Disaster Forum
|
