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Dating / Relationship Question and Answer
13 July 2001
What Are Your Goals ? Girl-Friend or Girlfriend ?
What's
up Doc?
I have a friend who I've gotten very close to in the past few
months and I think I'm falling in love with her. I haven't said
anything to her about how I feel because I'm not sure if the
time is right. You see, she was seeing this dude for a while but
have since been in a holding pattern. I don't think they have
officially "Broken Up" but I can see it coming. I love our
friendship and would hate to screw it up by jumping the gun. Do
I wait or do I express my feelings? I feel some strong vibes
that she may be interested in me but she won't act upon it. How
can I reel this one in???
Thanks much,
Stressed-Out
Hello Stressed-Out!
Here's a sad-but-true fact: it's easier to steal someone else's
girl than to keep your own!
Of course, this may work to your advantage, but consider this:
if, for any reason this DOESN'T work out, you're definitely
going to lose this girl as a friend. On the other hand, women
don't really make good friends for men anyway. Why not? Because,
in most cases, women's male friends are really just like
boyfriends; she'll call to bend your ear when she's been hurt by
her boyfriend, she'll call you to fix her car or if she needs a
ride somewhere, she'll borrow money - in short she'll treat you
just like a boyfriend - all without the sex!
Another thing to consider: While it may be easier to steal a girl
than keep one, by far the most difficult thing is to turn a
female friend into a girlfriend. Why? Because, as her "friend"
she doesn't "see you that way". I don't care what vibes you're
getting. After all, if she is: 1) having trouble with her current
boyfriend, and 2) she's interested in you - then, why hasn't she
made a move, or at least let you know that she's interested? You
see, women control the speed and direction of the relationship.
That's just the way it is. Men have been falsely told that it is
THEY who do this. Wrong, my brother. Don't fall into that
trap.
Ok, so are you doomed to admire her from afar? No, but here's
what you're going to have to do.
1) Get over the friendship. If you are interested in pursing a
relationship with her, you're going to first have to give up the
friendship. If you're not willing to do this, forget it.
2) Help her see her current boyfriend's, er, problems!
Well-placed phrases like, "Gee honey, you really don't deserve
that kind of treatment!", "You deserve so much better than
that!" and "You know, I'd never treat someone I loved like
that!", etc., will go a long way to driving the message
home.
3) You've got to change her thinking. Women organize men into two
categories: boyfriends and everyone else. Right now, you're in
the "everyone else" category - right smack-dab where you don't
want to be! Thus, you've got to get her to start seeing you as
boyfriend material.
How do you begin item #3? Simple - start ACTING like the
boyfriend. Call her up one day and say, "Hey - it's me. I don't
know what plans you have for Saturday night, but cancel them -
I'm taking you to a nice sunset dinner." Be somewhat subtle, but
firm. If she tells you she's got something else planned, just
repeat, "I don't care - just cancel it and I'll pick you up at
[whatever time]." Women absolutely LOVE this bold, powerful
approach. Believe me, I get letters from them everyday!
Two other points. First, don't take her to a movie, concert or
show on your first 3-4 dates. Why not? Because you're going to
use this time to talk to her. Not as her friend, but as her
lover. Find out about her deep-down. Get to know about her
wants, her needs, etc. Find out exactly what she DOESN'T like about
her boyfriend, etc. In short - focus on her.
The second point? Make sure you give her at least a goodnight
kiss! If you don't do this starting with your very first date;
she's going to think you've just become the very nice friend
that takes her to dinner - and you're back to square one. In
fact, you're worse-off than before! Also, if she balks, she's
telling you that she doesn't see you this way. Again - two
choices: accept it and get scarce - give her time to miss you
and hopefully time to begin seeing the possibilities; or begin
working to counter her reluctance. Say things like, "I
understand you don't see me this way YET - but I know you very
well, and this will be the cornerstone of our relationship."
Good luck, much love
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