Dating / Relationship Question and Answer
15 August 2001
The Value of Male Friends
Hi Dr. Neder,
I really enjoy your
articles; they help me out quite a bit, thank you!
I have a question that concerns my
friends and my ex. I met a nice girl and we hit it off quite
well to the point we decided to see each other exclusively.
Unfortunately, things didn't work out and after two months of trying
to be boyfriend/girlfriend, we split up and haven't talked to
each other since.
My friends got along well with my ex and they all commented how
disappointed they were that we couldn't be together. But
it got to the point that they asked me for her phone number so
they can go out and do stuff together. I gave out her
number with reluctance but I never vocalized it at that time. Now,
my ex is seeing someone new and some of my friends have met him and
think he's terrific. They don't talk about it with me
directly, but when we're in a group atmosphere or whatever
they go on and on about how wonderful this guy is.
I'll be honest.
I don't like this at all! I don't have any problems with any
of ex's going
out again, but do I really have to be subject to it? Do I have
to be reminded about my failed romance all the time? I feel
like my friends are betraying me in a way, once I spoke out
and said I didn't really want to hear about it, but they just
reply to grow up and get over it already. I feel like I'm
being compared and I'm coming out on the losing end.
Do I have a right to feel this way? I
just don't think my friends are truly
acting like my
friends. I appreciate any insight you may have.
Thanks!
-Adam
Hello Adam! What kind of friends are these? Not the
kind worthy of your friendship in my opinion! What the
hell are THEY thinking? They obviously don't respect you or your
friendship with them. Why would they:
1) ask for her number; 2) spend even a single moment with her
and 3) talk about her and her new boyfriend in front of you?
It's not you that needs to grow up - it's them.
There is nothing more important to us men than our friends. If we
treat them right, our friends will be there through our dates,
girlfriends, and ex- (or present) wives, and they'll understand when
things go wrong as it did with this woman. Further, our friends will
be there for us when we're ready to go "back out on the hunt" to
find the next one. They'll understand that male friends help THEM
get dates too. In my opinion, these guys have lost one of theirs.
Worse yet, they don't understand the value of their friends.
Friendship in many ways is much more important that a
relationship with a woman. Your male friends understand you in a way
that your girlfriends never will. They see who you are without all
the added emotionality and embellishment that women bring. They are
critical, but that criticalness helps us to be better men. Next to
our fathers, our friends are our greatest opportunity to learn to be
the men that we are. If I were stuck in a Mexican prison one day,
I'd call my best friend to help before I called a girlfriend!
What's the primary difference between your male buddy and your
girlfriend? You and your buddy can sit on the couch and watch a ball
game without speaking a word for 2 hours and not think your
relationship is in jeopardy!
Here's a little rule I follow. When I first meet a woman for the
first 5-6 dates, I don't introduce her to my friends, family,
business associates, etc. No exceptions. I see this as a reward for
being a good girlfriend and a critical step in our relationship. I'm
very interested in meeting hers however, although I don't push her
on the issue as I respect her privacy as well. Here's a little
secret that most women understand but few men seem to: if she can
bond with your friends, she can much more easily control YOU through
them.
In my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", I
talk about the value of male friends. I suggest you pick up a copy
of it and commit it to memory. Then, pick up a copy for your
friends and give it to them with a copy of this letter. It will
be your last, magnanimous gesture to your parting friendship!
Then, find some friends worthy of you.
Good luck, much love...
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