Dating / Relationship Question and Answer
14 June 2001
Cowboy Gets a Hoof To The Head
Last Saturday night I decided to go to a
country bar. As I walked to the back of the building, a really
attractive woman grabed my arm and sayed with a pretty smile
"Would you please save me at least one dance?" After a while the
band was playing a slow song and I immediately asked her to
dance. While dancing she told me that she had a preminition from
God to come to the dance hall and the
reason He gave her that
preminition was He wanted her and I
to
meet.
After the song was over, she asked if I'd sit with her and her
friends, and kept telling me how happy she was that she met me.
We danced several more dances and with each one she would get
closer and closer holding me tighter each time. A girl came in
selling individual roses and I bought her one. She told me she
would never throw it away. When it was time for the place to
close, she gave me her phone number and asked for me to call
her.
Sunday night I called her and she told me how great I looked to
her and she was so glad that she met me. She agreed to meet me
duing the week for dinner. She said if I called her on Monday
night she would tell me what night would be good for her. Well,
when I called her on Monday, she told me that her daughter was
working late all week and she needed to be home for her. I said
that's no problem.
Next she tells me that she's throwing a birthday party for her
Mom on this Sunday and has all this preparation to do. I told
her that I would love to help her with it just to be able to
share each other's company. She told me she's call to let me
know. I heard nothing from her on Tuesday so I call her Wednesday
and ask her if she would still like me to help her. All of a
sudden I got the cold shoulder. She says that she's going to
handle everything right at the local church. Now I ask her when
will I see you again? She says she doesn't know and gave me more
excuses. She told me that if she gets an opening she'll let me
know.
To make matters worse, earlier today had flowers and a romantic
note sent to her before we had a chance to talk! I just can't
believe how this woman's emotions turned so quickly. I don't
think I have a chance anymore. I would sure like to hear your
thoughts on this one!
Hello !
Well, your first mistake was going to a country bar! Ok, I'm just
kidding. Actually, I see two fatal flaws here:
1) "Nice Guy"
syndrome, and
2) "Too Much Too Soon".
Allow me to explain.
This woman was all over you like a ton of bricks from the start.
This is usually not a good sign. I mean, why so much attention
and focus so soon? Why did she pick YOU out of the crowd? You
have no way of knowing, but SHE may be the problem - at least in
the beginning. Perhaps she just got out of a long relationship
and is looking for someone to dump on - or someone to boost her
sagging ego. You certainly filled both of those bills! Or, maybe
she's just beautiful and crazy (check this link for more: Why are beautiful women crazy)
While you're there, click on the "Self Help" link on the
left-hand side for more information.
This immediate attention should have been a clue - remember,
women are relationship experts. They spend their entire lives
studying the art and science of relationships. Because of this,
they know just how to time things to get what they want. In this
case, this woman sure got what she wanted! So, let's examine the
two fatal flaws:
1) "Nice Guy" syndrome It's sad, but true. Women don't go out
looking for nice guys. Most are attracted to jerks. Why? Because
nice guys just seem to be willing to do anything - like drop
their life's plans for a woman. Unfortunately, country bars are full
of these guys - it's almost a stereotype! Take a look at those
Black Angus commercials as an example of what I'm talking about
- the simple cowboy and the beautiful woman - she kicks hell out
of him; telling him what boots to wear, wanting to talk about
their "relationship", etc., and he plays right into like an
idiot. Oh - how cute! Oh - how insulting!!
You see, women don't look for nice guys because they are just too
ready to drop everything and jump for a woman. The women that I
talk to (and I get so much mail from them!) all say the same
things. They want a man that is strong, confident, has a
direction, and is a contributing, participating part of their
relationships - not the guy that is willing to change his entire
life to win them. The man that is willing to just drop
everything is NOT the man they want to hook up with. So, why are
they attracted to jerks? "The Jerk" is a man that already has a
direction - and, he won't change it for anyone. In other words, he
is self-focused and directed. He knows where he wants to go and
doesn't mind making things fit that mold - including the women
he dates. Women find this irresistible.
You, on the other hand cleared your week starting from the night
after you met her, and were all ready to jump into her life.
She's probably thinking, "Geez - doesn't this guy have anything
else to do?" Then, you answered this question by being available
to help her with her mom's birthday party! This sounds like
something that she'd ask her girlfriends to do. Believe me,
women prefer to jump into YOUR life, not the other way
around.
2) "Too Much Too Soon" Women spend a lot of time thinking
about their relationships. Even if they don't have one at that
particular time. They dream of the men they crave, of how their
lives will be when they find them, etc. Women have a built-in
mechanism to help "custom fit" men into their dreams. This is a
good thing for men - if they know how to play it. In order to
take advantage of this mechanism, you have to give her time to
use it. Not only did you call her the next day, and the day
after that (at her direction), but when you didn't get a call
the next day and called her again on Wednesday! She just has to
be wondering why you're so desperate!
Further, you never gave her time to miss you. She was busy with
her life, and you kept interrupting it. She never had any "down
time" to think about you - and she doesn't even have a
relationship with you yet! She'd have to wonder what it would be
like if she WERE involved with you.
Ok, what can you do now? Frankly, you've probably blown her out
of the water. When she gets the flowers, that's just going to
seal the coffin. Is there any way you can prevent them from
being delivered? I'd sure try anything I could think of to stop
them, including bribing the delivery boy. In fact, you should
probably avoid her all together.
If you have even the remotest chance of salvaging this situation;
you're going to have to get scarce - very scarce. Of course, you
shouldn't call her again for the next month or so. Yes, I know
that seems like a long time, but bear with me. IF she calls,
don't return her phone calls - at least not for a week or two.
Especially, don't answer your phone on the weekend - this is what
voice mail is for! Your friends and family will understand if
you call them back. You just don't want to appear "available" to
her - you've already made that mistake once.
If you see her at the club, here's what you should do. Walk up to
her with a "glad to see you" look, and say "Hey - it's good to
see you again!" Then, kiss her on the forehead and WALK AWAY!
Don't try to strike up a conversation, and don't give her time
to respond. Just go find someone (anyone) else to dance with.
What if she comes up and wants to talk to you? Try to keep it
short, light and detached. If it were me, I'd be checking out
every short skirt that walked by. By doing this you're sending a
message (in her language!), that you're moving on, and if she
wants it, SHE'S going to have to earn it. Not only is this a
better situation for you, but it is the only situation that will
work for her. Here's a little known fact: women want to do the
chasing. Yes, I know that you've been told that men do the
chasing. After the first "Hello" it's the woman that wants to be
the aggressor.
Now, after that month has passed, you may want to call her just
to say "Hello", and check on her mother's birthday party. If
she's willing to talk to you, try to keep it short and light -
no heavy conversations about relationships, don't ask her out,
don't tell her you'll call her, don't ask her to call you, and for
God's sake - don't compliment her! She has to have something to
shoot for. The only point of this call is to put you back in her
mind. Then, be thankful if she calls you again sometime
later.
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