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Dating / Relationship Question and Answer
13 July 2001
It's Never Too Late To Date
Hi Doc,
I am 39, never married, and rarely dated. I am trying to get on
my feet career and finance wise, but it is hard because I don't
date or look aggressively enough to satisfy my semi-superiors in
the corporate world. I want a relationship, but I am not out
going enough.
Any tips?
Calvin
Hello Calvin!
While there are some people that are "naturally outgoing" most of
us have to work on it. You are right to associate some
outwardness with dating, as there is a direct relationship
between them. We'll explore this in a moment so bear with
me.
First, let's talk about what women want. Not what "popular
opinion" says they want, but what they really want. Through my
book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World", I get a lot of mail from
readers - both from men AND women. The women continue to tell me
the same things - they want men that are confident, strong and
have a solid direction.
The problem with "popular opinion" is that it is based on the
wrong questions. We hear all the time that women want
good-looking, wealthy men with large penises. These are based on
questions like, "Is a man's attractiveness important to you?"
What a stupid question! Of course it is, but it doesn't ask the two
most important aspects of the question; 1) "HOW important are
looks to you?" and 2) "WHAT do you find MOST attractive in a
man?" Thus, most men are confused about just what women really
want.
This all began with a "feminization" of society - about 35 years
ago. You and I have been through that period when we "thought"
that women wanted "sensitive" and "caring" men. Too many of us
still believe this, but let me say my female readers don't
agree. Women don't want men that are "feminized" - that's why they
have girlfriends!
Ok, so what about you? I have asked hundreds of women this
question: "What do you find MOST attractive in a man?" They
continue to tell me the same thing: CONFIDENCE. Could it really
be that simple? The answer of course is "yes and no". Women look
for confidence in the initial approach. As you're already aware, it
is our (men's) responsibility to make this first contact. Thus,
if you carry yourself with confidence and act as though you
EXPECT a woman to be thrilled to meet you, she will be! Note
that I said "confidence" and not "cockiness". There is a fine
line, but cocky men turn-off women.
Calvin, you first need to work on an approach but it's easy to
get started. Begin by simply making eye contact with everyone
you encounter. Don't worry if they seem to "look through you" -
their reaction isn't important. You're only trying to establish
a pattern of success here. Once this feels comfortable add a
simple smile. Next, when this begins to feel comfortable, add a
"hello". As you practice these skills, they become ingrained and
feel begin to natural. At this point you are ready to begin
meeting women because these are the skills you need - making eye
contact, smiling, saying hello - and doing it with ease and
confidence.
Along with your career goals have you set any relationship goals?
Most people spend more time planning their vacations than they
spend planning their lives. In my book, I cover this planning
process in depth and highly recommend that you pick up a copy of
it then commit it to memory. It also covers many other aspects
of dating that you're going to need including communications,
meeting women, and "handling your success" which discusses
problems between your new mate and the rest of your life!
Get started today - believe me, you'll be surprised at how easy
it all really is! But, if you don't do something today, tomorrow
will be the same. If you don't do something this week, next week
will be just like this one, etc. So, get going - you can do
it!
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