Dating / Relationship Question and Answer
09 May 2001
Speak Up! - Getting What You Want in Bed (for Women)
I get a lot of reader mail. Much of it from
women, complains about how men don't know how to please thier
girlfriends. I always have the same
response - what have YOU done about it?
Too many women feel that men should "just know" how to please a
woman in bed. This is just plain rediculous! I'm convinced that
there is no such thing as a "natural born lover". Making love is
a skill that is learned (for both men AND women by the way -
very few women are really good lovers - men just happen to be
less picky about most of it!) Further, every woman is a brand
new classroom. Often, the things that worked for one woman don't
work for another.
Here's the reality: if you aren't getting what you want from your
partner - it's YOUR fault and YOUR responsibility!
*Why Women Don't Tell
Many women feel that "coaching" their partners would hurt their
egos; and for some this may be true. If so, you may have to be
more careful, but you don't have to put up with a lousy lover!
You can broach the subject easily by first asking him what HE
wants. As he's telling you, make mental notes - you can use the
help too, believe me! Women are NOT natural lovers either. Many,
many women just lay there waiting to have things done to them
and then claim that they really know how to please a man. Sorry
sister - it ain't necessarily so!
After he's given you the litany of things he likes, feel free to
tell him that you have things you want too. He'll understand and
probably want to know more - much more! If he doesn't, what are
you doing with him in the first place?
Other women feel that he "should just know." How's he going to
know what you want if you don't tell him? Should he just try
everything until he happens upon the thing you really want?
That's just stupid. What man is going to spend all that time
trying everything, getting shot down on most of it to try to
find what you want? If you take this approach, don't be hurt or
surprised if he brings home another woman to try a threesome -
just in case that's what you want!
Many times, I've asked lovers what they do and don't like in bed.
The most common answer is, "oh, I like just about everything!"
Hogwash! When a man asks you this, he isn't interested in your
"range" of sexual interest - he really wants to know what things
you enjoy. You should be thrilled if your lover askes. Many
don't know that they should! If you don't know the answer to
this question yourself, you've got some work to do.
*If You Don't Say It, Don't Expect It!
If he hasn't found your hot button(s) and you haven't told him
about them he isn't going to know. Period. You've got to speak
up! Women's sexual response is rather more complicated than
men's. Sure, it's easy for YOU to know what YOU want - but not
for him. You've got to drop your guard a little and let him in
on the secret.
Again, you don't need to be concerned by what you say - he's
probably going to be really into anything you come up with. Men
are almost always willing to try new things. As one of my female
friends says, "That's why I like men - my fantasies are their
playground!"
*Don't Be Ashamed or Afraid
Women, you'd be surprised by how open your man probably is to new
ideas. Want to be tied up and ravished? Most men would jump at
the chance! Would you like to get better oral sex? Most men are
very willing to help. Is he too fast or too slow? Why not say so
- but do it in a sensitive, caring way with the goal of
improving your sex life.
I have a friend that that had a fantasy about being a slave girl
on a ship. She told her boyfriend who, a few months later rented
a sailboat (he was an avid sailor), and, on a warm summer day,
sailed her to the middle of nowhere, lashed her to the mast,
stripped her and ravished her - more than fullfilling her
fantasy (and starting a bunch more!) In fact, it was so good for
her, she still can't stop telling the story to just about anyone
that will listen!
Your man is probably very interested in what turns you on, so
frankly, you have very little (if any!) risk in telling him.
*Don't Expect Him to Jump Through Hoops
When you tell him about yours, don't set the bar too high. Some
women's fantasies are quite complex, involving props, sets,
lighting, etc. For example, if you've always wanted to join the
"mile-high club", don't expect him to rush out and get his
pilot's license so that he can fulfill your fantasy. If you
really want this fantasy to come true, and the bathrooms on
those commercial flights are just too cramped, YOU may have to
get YOUR pilot's license, or be more creative!
You may have to help him along. Oral sex is a good example.
Simply telling him you like it isn't going to get you oral the
way you want it. He's likely to just dive right in. He probably
doesn't understand the kind of build-up you need before getting
that most inimate of kisses. Take some time and make him
understand. This is the time to be specific about things - after
all, it's your satisfaction we're talking about here!
*If You Don't Know, You Can't Tell It
Do you fantasize? Almost every women asked this question by her
man say's "no", as though it would make her a slut or something
if she did. The fact is, almost everyone fantasizes - and does
so regularly. Whether it's while having sex or masturbating,
sitting in class or at work, driving in your car, or whatever -
fantasizing is common - very, very common. So, drop the
embarrassment and fear! There is nothing wrong with fantasizing
- in fact most psychologist feel that it is a normal, healthy
way of exploring your own sexuality.
One of the reasons why women are reluctant to discuss they needs
in bed is that many of them simply don't know themselves.
Whether through repression, embarrassement, fear, bad
experiences, or whatever, many women never allow themselves to
explore their sexual side. I have to wonder what these women are
waiting for! There is little that makes a person feel so alive
as sex. You are as deeply "inside" as you can get as well as
outside at the same time. Why waste this tremendous gift? I can tell
you that your lover doesn't want you to!
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